The Vilkacis
by thewhisperingwillowtree
Summary: I think once I was human, many seasons ago. But so many moons have passed that I wonder if it was a dream. I am the wolf, I have no need for silly human emotions. They only hinder me, and a wolf must be strong to survive. But my mate is human, soft and hairless, and although not tiny he cannot hunt. What am I supposed to do? Rated T. Embry/OC
1. Chapter I

This story is a bit different. It is strange and odd and I'm not sure how many people will like it. But it kept running through my head so I had to write it down. I'm not sure where it will take me, but I hope you all enjoy it.

I will post about once a week, and I'm thinking it will be less than ten chapters. I'm not sure though since I'm not done writing. I'm seeing where it takes me.

a/n: beta'd by MadJo33 as of 11/8/14

re: edited 2/10/15

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><p>1<p>

My paws dig into the dirt giving me leverage as I race across the cool ground. I lift my head up to the sky and breathe in and the slight scent of decomposing leaves, the tangy saltiness of the ocean, and the dusky odor of small prey is brought into my lungs filling me until I release once more.

I used to be human. I think I still am, but after all this time I've forgotten how to change back. That time seems more like a dream.

In my dream I lived on the outskirts of a small village in Russia. I had a family, two older brothers and a younger sister and brother. My dad was a carpenter, he made things out of wood for our village like cabinets, shutters, doors; even little trinkets one would give to their lovers. My brother's helped my father in the shop, and us girls kept the house up and did errands. My little sister Akilina tried to help, but usually her attempts were in vain. At the young age of three her hands often caused more good than bad.

We were different from the villagers, we always had been. We lived in the woods, unlike most who preferred the safety and numbers of the town. Father always warned us to never tell anyone how different we were. Every night after we prayed over sup he made sure to press this, staring each of us in the eye.

_"Never speak of this outside our home."_ The command was clear and to the point.

Akilina didn't mean to do it, she didn't realize what she was saying. She began talking about the moon to one of the vendors I left her with, telling him how magical it was and how she always felt the need to call to it. I hurried over to get her, attempting to excuse her words using the pretext of a child's fantasies. Those words from Akilina were all it took. Our village had been suspicious of us since my grandfather moved here almost half a century back with three sons and no wife, sticking to the shadows and refusing to join in their merriment in the evenings.

That night the villagers came to our house with flaming sticks, throwing them onto our house as we slept and chanting that we were demon worshipers. Akilina didn't make it, the smoke too rough on her tiny lungs. My older brothers were the first to race out of the house. The villagers grabbed and held them down, their shouts of pain echoing into the darkness of the night. My mother rushed out after them and faced the same fate as they. Father knew what they were going to do them, I could see it in his eyes. He told me and my little brother Gavrie to run out the back while he distracted them and don't look back, never look back.

We did. We couldn't help it.

We rushed into the cold snow with our teeth shattering and tears freezing to our cheeks. Gavrie led me to a cave our older brothers had shown him and we hid huddled together waiting for papa. Once daylight hit we could no longer listen to what he told us, impatient to see the end result of the night. We quietly walked back to the house, our footprints already erased by a blanket of snow, and searched for whatever was left of our family.

When we got there everyone was gone. Our home was burned to the ground, the fire already put out from the cold weather. The charred, blackened wood had blown across the surrounding snow and it looked as if hell itself had opened up over our home. I was startled when Gavrie burst into tears, being too distracted by the state of our house to notice anything else.

In front of our house stood two crosses, a body burned to each of them. On the great tree that we use in the summer to swing and climb hung my mother and father, swaying with feet curled, rolling back and forth in the light breeze.

"We have to bury them," is the first thing that came to my mind. "Find Akilina." My brother doesn't listen, laying on the ground as he cried with abandonment. I marched over to him, my black cloak trailing behind me like a funeral procession as I grabbed him by the shoulders. "Get yourself together. We have to bury them." I let go, staring him in the eyes before repeating. "We have to."

I don't wait to see if he listened, too busy searching for something to dig with. I find a stick and began slamming it into the earth with a one track mind, attempting to break up the icy layer over the ground.

"It's no use," my brother sniffled. "We can't bury them. The ground is too hard with ice. No one gets buried in the winter; the undertaker keeps the bodies until the ground thaws. You know that."

"We have to," I gasped out, winded from my attempts to dig into the earth. "If we don't, no one will."

"Mila," he trailed off. "We have to leave them. They're going to come back, they'll kill us too. Dad died for us, don't ruin that."

The sky was blue. It was sunny out but we didn't feel any of the warmth, the wind being too cold. I closed my eyes and felt as it blows across my cheeks, and then the first tear fell. "We can't leave them."

He placed an arm on my shoulder. "We have to." He dragged me up by my arm, tugging me into the forest without much resistance from me. My last view of my family was my older brother's blacked bodies and my parents serenely swinging in the breeze, as if at peace.

I do not feel at peace. They did not even kill them justly. Our whole family weren't _Vilkacis_, only three of us were. Both Akilina and I had the wolf in us, the females being more likely to have it than males, so did my older brother Wenzel. My father, mother, and older brother Ivano weren't even wolf. If they had to die, at least have it for a reason. But it was not, and it had me feeling empty with bitterness.

We almost died that winter. The only thing that kept us alive was my wolf. My father always warned me of my instincts, telling me to ignore them or else I would lose myself to the wolf.

But I had to.

We were both cold, Gavrie's appendages began to look unhealthy. We were starving with nothing to eat. We both knew what I had to do in order for us to survive.

My warm pelt kept us both warm, and I was able to hunt food and gather wood for my brother to live off of. When spring finally came my brother's fears came true: I could not change back. I knew before this would have bothered me, but now I couldn't understand why. This form was better, I could protect my kin with it. I could provide and nurture him until he became an adult and made his own pups.

Sadly, it did not work the way I planned. My brother was twelve, old enough to become an apprentice to another carpenter. In exchange for food and shelter he helped create items out of wood. My instincts told me to avoid humans, so I would not come around when the man Gavrie listened to was there. Gavrie tried to visit me in the forest as often as he could, bringing little meats as treats for me. Soon the time came when Gavrie left the man's house, moving to the town over to open his own wood shop. He started a family and told them of me, the wolf who had saved him as a child. I played with his children, for they were my kin too. I protected his house the night someone tried to kill and rob him of everything he owned. I watched as Halina, his oldest daughter, grew older and traded kisses with her lover under the darkness of the trees. I sat in the shadows as his oldest son married the baker's daughter who, for some odd reason, people greatly admired.

And then the day came when he was old and withered, his hair white and head balding. The only way to distinguish him as the boy I used to know was the scent of sweet apples and sandalwood he'd always carried with him. He passed away in his sleep one night, living a long life for someone that worked the hard life of a peasant at the age of fifty-one. I stayed for a while, watching as his oldest son took over his father's business and as his kids began to rush about just like he did as a child. I knew his son didn't need me, and my brother had been the only reason I stayed. I said my goodbyes, rubbing my muzzle against his chest. I think he knew I was leaving, because when he hugged me to him and let go water trailed from his eyes. I remember making that water once, a long time ago. But time has erased the reasons why.

I do not know where I went to, I just ran. Sometimes I heard wolves. Once I even joined a wolf pack. But something told me I didn't belong there, and when the alpha died in a fight with a bear I took my leave as well.

I was captured once, placed in a cage that sat in an even bigger metal box. When I released from the large metal box they did odd things to me, trying to make me jump through hoops and using thin sticks of pain to make me do it. I was always hungry and never hunted for my meals. There were no animals to hunt. I escaped when one of the humans didn't close the door tight enough, disappearing into the night.

This new land they had taken me to was different. There were odd creatures that I had never seen before, like the grey and black animal that had a wolf face but was round at the belly and the wrong coloring. The black circles around its eyes were odd, and it's size off. After hunting one I realized they were edible. The air smelled different, a scent that I couldn't put a name too. For a long time I thought I was the only wolf here, but after many seasons passed I let out a cry to the moon circle in the dark sky and howls answered me back. It filled me with joy, and I raced across the landscape with a newly found vigor.

The land is magical now, different from when I was a pup many moons ago. Metal boxes with circles at the bottom transport humans as fast as I can run, sometimes even faster. I now wonder who is the better animal, me or the box. I do not wish to find out. Nothing looks soft about it.

I rush across the surface of the earth, exhilarated and racing as fast as I can. The trees are blurs, but somehow I am able to avoid them. Suddenly I trip with the help of a hidden root under the colorful leaves. I yelp loudly, pain zipping through me as I fall awkwardly onto my leg. I know immediately it is broken, and worry begins to course through my mind. The world may now be magical, but I am not. I cannot heal any faster than anyone else. Now is the time to find a place to hide, preferably somewhere near the never stopping water flow, and hope to heal. I've only broken a bone once before, and that time was miserable. I was emaciated by the end, weak and almost lifeless. I ate rabbits and squirrels until my strength returned.

This break I can tell will be different. It is not lined up like my other one. This one leaves a visible bump under my fur. I begin limping, and although my foot never touches the ground fiery pain spreads through me with every step.

Perhaps this is the end.

The cracking of a branch stirs me and I bring my head up, cocking my ear in the direction I heard it. The footsteps are quiet, much quieter than any human. It sounds big despite this. Maybe it is a bear. I can only hope my death is swift. Nerves have me bringing my head down, inching as quietly as I can to a nearby bush. I'm almost completely covered when the animal breaks through the trees to me. But to my surprise it's not an animal.

It's a human. A large human, but a human none the less.

I yip pitifully. Last time I dealt with humans they captured me and stuck me in a small cage with no room to run and no food to hunt. I do not like humans. They are dangerous.

The man pauses, tilting his head towards me to take me in. It is silent, neither of us making a noise. He sniffs the air and makes mouth sounds. They're halted, as if unsure, and great spaces sit between each one. He reaches a hand towards me and I growl, my hackles going up and teeth clearly displayed. Immediately he brings his hand back, and makes the mouth sounds again. This time I can make something out that he keeps repeating.

"Ets oke, ets oke." I have no clue what he is trying to say, but he seems to be trying to calm me down. I don't fall for it one moment, at least not until our eyes meet.

His incessant noise stops, along with his breathing. I sniff, taking in his scent, and realize fear is a prevalent emotion in him. But just like him, I pause too. This man smells familiar, like home. Another look into his eyes tells me all I need to know.

Mate.


	2. Chapter II

The rating has gone up to teen because of further chapters. I'm finding out this is going to be longer than I thought, definitely more than ten chapters but less than thirty? I'm guessing it will end in the teens, but I'm not sure.

And also for all you people reading all of my stories both Lizzy and Ara are in here, unlike in Counting Stones. Because of this I'm going to be posting chapters a lot slower here because they overlap with Counting Stones. It would ruin the ending for that book. :P

Comments

Thanks to everyone that reviewed!

Love Laugh Live Your Life- Aww! You looked at all my stories and reviewed them! Thank you! ❤

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><p>2<p>

The whole time as he carried me I wondered to myself, does he know he is my mate? Then I began to question what I was supposed to do, because he is human and I am wolf. I never pictured having a human mate, I always thought I would either be alone or with a real wolf. I am more wolf than human, after all. Humans are strange, and wolves are simple. Humans smile with teeth which offends wolves. Humans howl for seemingly no reason, wolves howl to find pack. Humans like the colorful moving boxes and sit in them all day, and wolves like dirt between their claws.

Humans are backwards creatures.

Surely my mate isn't too odd. He must be sensible to be the mate of a wolf. I stare into his face, and huff softly into the crook of his arm. I will have to protect my mate. He does not have enough fur to keep warm during the winter, nor claws to protect him from danger. Despite his weaknesses I shall protect him, fore I have been lonely many seasons now and perhaps it is time for me to start a pack of my own. I look over my mate critically.

We do not look compatible.

On second thought I do not think we will ever make pups. But I still want him. He is mine.

He brings me out of the woods and immediately I protest, huffing and attempting to jump out of his arms. He rubs a hand through my fur, petting behind my ears and making soothing mouth noises. The fight rushes out of me and I become limp in his arms, chuffing my delight. The next time I open my eyes I am inside a human den. I bring my gaze to him, my ears cocked in confusion. This place is not safe. It is in the open and we do not have enough pack to protect it. We need a wall to our backs, or at least a forest, but we have nothing. I peer into his eyes, hoping he understand what I am trying to tell him. He does not, placing me on a soft square raised off the ground. He makes more mouth noises. They go on and on, beginning to annoy me. I suppose I shall have to accept this odd aspect of my mate.

Another human comes through the door and I let out a small growl, peeling my lips back to bare large teeth. They're very impressive teeth if you ask me. I'm only missing one, which was broken in a fight I had with a mountain lion. My mate starts his rubbing again, and no matter how hard I fight to remain alert my vigilance fails. I roll slightly towards him, making tiny vibrations of pleasure in my throat. I lick his arm and he makes a loud, rumbling noise.

A memory tugs at me, one from so long ago it seems to be from a lifetime that doesn't exist anymore. Six people sitting around a table, seven including me. I drink from a cup, and a rumbling comes out of my chest from a joke my brother has made.

_Laughter._

My mate is happy. My ears perk up and my tail begins to wag. I hope to get many rumbles from my mate in our lifetime. The other human comes over, carefully touching the break in my arm. Immediately I growl, but my mate rubs behind my ears and looks into my eyes and I know he's telling me to let the human do it.

So I do. My mate wouldn't try to hurt me, would he?

He begins to make the same noise over and over again distracting me as I try to understand. Goo… ger. Goo gerl. I hum deep in my throat, laying my head down on the soft square as the strange human touches my wound. I let out small growls, unhappy with the situation, but otherwise let him. The human pulls out an odd circular thing with a thin piece of metal on the end and I feel a small pinch before drifting off to sleep.

In my dreams I am human, and I am listening to my father's voice as he tells us the rules of being a _Vilkacis_.

_"My father, your grandfather, was a Vilkacis. He told me everything I would need to know in case my children ended up being the same." A dark shadow passes over his eyes._

_"Now this is very important. Never stay too long in wolf form, you will lose yourself to your wolf if you do. You will forget what it is like to be human. As a wolf you do not have a past, present, or future. You will simply live."_

_"But a wolf isn't that bad papa. Wolves are fast!" I grin, wiping my nose on my loose sleeve. Dad gives me an odd look._

_"You are too young to understand why this is important Mila. But please trust me when I say never to stay too long as a wolf."_

_My father's worry is real. I've done it before. My older brother never seemed to have any problems staying human, but I'm always plagued by such issues. I have a predisposition towards the wolf, as my father liked to say. I could stay in form for hours, playing and racing about carelessly. I forgot everything, even the fact that I was human. But then father would come over that hill and everything would come back and I would be human once more. He always worried about me. He talked to mother when he thought we were sleeping, telling her of his fear that one day I would succumb to the beast._

_"If that day ever happens, where the human is pushed out and the wolf takes over, come back home. Come back to me Mila. A memory must trigger it, a memory in the form of a human. You must remember what it is to be human. Remember," he stresses. "Remember to find me."_

I wake up feeling empty, finally understanding why a human is my mate and not a wolf.

I am a human myself. These pictures in my mind are memories.

But I do not remember anything, and my father passed long ago. How long has it been since I have been human? Is it even possible anymore? I only remember this skin now, and I know soon I will forget all I have just learned. The wolf is not meant for complicated emotions and memories. It is a simple creature with no use for it.

Something heavy on my arm pulls me from my thoughts. It is odd, wrapped around my arm tightly. When I paw at the thing attached to me it is hard to the touch. I huff, pushing my nose on the inside and trying to push my arm out.

But it is stuck.

My mate comes into the room. Now that I am able to think more human-like I can assess him. He looks quite different from the people where I grew up, his skin dark and eyes almost black. He appears guarded, worry on his face. When he speaks I feel dismay. It is in a language I do not understand.

I must learn to speak his words, and I must find the secret to changing back into a human.


	3. Chapter III

I've finally finished this story! afsghtgrf It's fifteen chapters long and winds through the other imprints lives also, so my readers from Counting Stones and Glimmer will see the characters here.

Starting next chapter MadJo33 will be my beta, so hopefully there will be less grammatical mistakes after that. The first chapter he beta'd for me as a test run, so you can re-read that chapter if you'd like.

Beta'ed by MadJo33 11/11/14

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><p>3<p>

Every inch the sun streaked across the sky was a fight. The wolf rejected the human memories. It had more important things to worry about such as the coming winter, and a suitable shelter for our mate. But the human part of me _knew_ how important this was. A few times I had almost lost the battle, but then my mate would come home and the wolf's thoughts would suddenly feel so trivial.

I believe I've figured out my mate's name: Mbri. Whenever someone says that he looks their way, an inquisitive expression on his face.

I know he tries to take care of me. He attempts to treat me like a house pet, throwing sticks and strange round things in the air and staring at me expectantly as if I'd want to chase it. The wolf might have indulged in that, but the human in me had some dignity. It was odd after so many seasons to have human memories again. I remember my older brother Wenzel, how he used to send me with little wooden trinkets he made from scrap wood to the village and have me chase after a girl he thought himself in love with. She would always burn red, and spurn his advances with disdain. But I could tell she secretly liked it, and when her friends were not around she was much nicer about it.

I remember Gavrie climbing up the tree next to our house during the fall, his pockets filled with leaves so that he could throw them in the air as high as they could go. I'd spin as the colorful leaves drifted to the ground, pretending that I was a fairy and never had to do work again. I recall trying to teach Akilina how to make bread. Flour would decorate almost every surface of the house by the time we were finished. Akilina always make my mother angry with her wastefulness, but then Akilina would run to her all covered in white and give mother a hug, and mom always forgave her.

A bird zips by, breaking my thoughts. The instinct to hunt comes over and I race after it. It takes to the sky, my meal getting away. I take a rest on the ground. Now I will have no meal for my mate. The strange thing on my front leg slows me down, but I am a strong enough mate to hunt with the hindersome thing.

Two hours later I come back, a rabbit dangling from my mouth. It is not my best hunt, and I hope my mate understands.I paw at the door and my mate opens it, and a disgusted look crosses his face when he sees my prize.

It has happened again.

My wolf takes over too easy. My father was right, I do have a predisposition towards it. My spirit wants to be wolf more than human. It always has.

My mate shares his den with another male, and he comes over to peer at the bloodied creature hanging from my mate's hands. One look and he burst into laughter, pointing with a finger and clutching his stomach. I give a slight bark, irritated with the male. My mate burns red under his dark skin, refusing to look anywhere but the ground and awkwardly holding onto the meal. I take the food from my mate and slink off to a corner to eat.

I'd learned very quickly that my mate was magic. He made food magically appear in a rectangular white box, so now I never had to worry about him starving to death. The food, however, was not edible for me. I still have to hunt my food. He tries to feed me, giving me odd hard pellets that look like pieces of dirt and chunks of meat, but those are not edible. He's given up on that, and lets me out to hunt. If my wolf had not taken over I would know this, but all logic fails her. She in an instinctual creature. She cares nothing for my riddles.

My mate rubs me behind my ears repeating to me, "Good gerl." I've learned that means I've done something to please him when that happens. I'm still trying to learn his language, but I'm not very successful. His language sounds so soft compared to mine. Nothing is similar about it. He's taught me a few words, such as "water," "stop," "food," and "no." But for the most part I struggle to make sense of everything. To think about it, I barely remember my own tongue. There are many things I have forgotten. How long has it been since I have walked as a human?

Is there a secret my father knew to get me to change back? I can't remember him doing anything special. I simply saw him and remembered how.

What did I remember?

I think hard, but all it does is leave me with frustration. There must be some step I'm missing, a step I cannot figure out. I cannot for the life of me figure out what it is though.

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><p>3rd POV<p>

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><p>"I see you've brought your girlfriend."<p>

The man targeted rolled his eyes, clearly not amused with the other man's humor.

"Oh, calm down Embry. I'm only joking. I'm getting back at you for all those Claire jokes you used to pull on me."

"It's not like that, Quil," Embry mumbles, reaching down to run a hand through the thick fur of the wolf at his feet. He clears his throat. "Sam said I have to hide her. I'm freaking the civilians out with her." He shifts awkwardly on the balls of his feet, his attention not on any particular object.

"I, of all people, know it's not like that," Quil grunts. "Well, at least she doesn't pee in the house," he says brightly. At Embry's scandalized look he says, "Oh come on! That's a good thing!"

Embry blushes deep, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck. "She actually did once," Embry admitted with reluctance. "After I yelled at her she didn't do it again. She's smart, she catches onto things quickly." Quil scoffs from across the porch. "I'm serious! She's smart." He stared down at the before mentioned wolf, who seemed happy enough to lie in the sun at Embry's feet. "Hey girl!" The wolf perked her ears. "Go get the rake." She simply stares at him. "The rake. Get the rake. Rake." Quil snorts, and Embry seems to get frustrated. He points towards the rake leaning against the wall. "Get the broom." Something clicks with the wolf and she races over to the rake, dragging it back to Embry and letting out a soft woof while wagging her tail. Embry smiles brightly, "See, she's smart."

"Yeah… she got a rake-broom… after you told her like seven times. I'm sorry Embry, but you're so biased." Quil laughs, tossing his head back. Embry walks over and nudges him.

"Like you aren't."

"All us wolves are when it comes to our imprints," Quil snorts. They both become quiet, a more serious look on their faces.

"What could the spirits have meant by having me imprint on an actual wolf," Embry whispers. "I mean, I love her. Spirits, I love her. But a wolf? I just wish… it doesn't matter what I wished," he mutters. Quil places a comforting hand on his best friend's back.

"I know man, it's hard. You've got it the worst. Billy has to be wrong about what imprints are, because I highly doubt the spirits expect you to make little wolves with her." They both share a look of dislike.

"Never," Embry whispers. "I love her like anyone loves their animal, but it's more intense. The imprint and all." He sighs. "Quil, fuck man. She's an animal. I don't even know how much time I have with her. Five years? Ten? It's not long enough."

A silence falls between the two, both staring at the unsuspecting wolf lying in the sun and getting the last of the summer rays.

"You'll just have to love her for the time she has left," Quil whispers fragilely, a haunted look in his eyes. "Love her for what she has left."

Embry nods, but his eyes are the eyes of a dead man.


	4. Chapter IV

This chapter raised the rating to M, but it's nothing too bad. I just don't want to be flagged.

Don't forget to review!

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><p>4<p>

To my great frustration I'm no closer to shifting into human than before. The season has changed, and white ice falls from the sky, but I do not know any more than I did last season.

I have learned many words now. Mbri has made it a habit to go around the house naming things. He caught on to my wish to learn, so now I can understand simple things. Sentences can be confusing, but one or two words are fine. At least I have learned that.

I discovered as the ice fell that my mate was a wolf too. I did not understand at first. He was huge, frightening, the size of a large horse. Then satisfaction filled me. This is why my mate is so good at taking care of himself. He is an alpha wolf. After that he would sometimes run as the wolf with me, playing and nipping as we ran. My mate is wolf and man too, just like me.

Even with that turn of events I have spent less time thinking as the wolf. It's like the wolf is being forced out of me. I love Mbri. He is kind. He tries to feed me, and his den is much warmer than any of mine have been.

Spring comes, I am still not human. What is it to be human? Is it their odd laughter? The backwards expressions they make? I can't remember much about what it feels to be human. I look at their furless skin and all I can think of cold it must be to be.

But I want to be one so badly.

A little girl likes to play with me. She has bouncing curls I like to maul because when you pull them they spring up into the air. The one named Kill protects her. He did not like me around her at first, but the girl always found her way to me. He settled for watching over our interactions carefully. I catch balls for her, much to the ire of my mate. The sad look to her eyes after I don't fetch makes me run and bring it back. She usually does not make me do it for long, which pleases me.

But deep down sometimes I think it's fun. She gets so happy and excited that it spreads to me and I begin to act like the pup I haven't been in many seasons.

It was when the air became hot that magic came. My desperation had clawed into every part of me. My thoughts became human, all my wishes human-like. Even my dreams! I dreamed human dreams of being with my mate, side by side in the same skin.

It was as all of this was overflowing in me that something began to change. At first, I felt weird. As if I had eaten bad meat. Then my head began to pound. My mate noticed something was wrong when I let out a pitiful moan. His emotions flew everywhere. Worry, fear, anxiety. All of it showed up on his face. He stuck me in his metal box, which I had always fought with him about going in before, and drove me down the road. We met eyes, me feeling as if I would die and him looking as if he wanted too.

I wished to be human. To hold him in my arms. To kiss the eyelids that covered each of his dark eyes. To laugh with him, to cry. To hold a beautiful child in my arms that was a perfect mixture of both of us.

And then it happened.

I shifted painfully. My bones cracking, my teeth shortening. The fur disappearing into my skin until finally I sat in a human body. It was then I knew the step my father told me years ago, and why I had to search him out to become human.

_"You must want to be human. Not only you, but your wolf too. But most importantly you must remember what it_ _is to_ be_ human, because without that you are only an animal."_

I stared at my lengthened digits, fingers that seem so foreign after all this years. I touch my face, my snout gone and in its place a tiny nose with soft lips. My mate still has not noticed, babbling in that soft tongue of his.

"…okey…doctor.. food?" It is all I can make out of his words. I attempt to make my first word sound.

"Muh- bri. Mbri?" He startles, swiftly bringing his face my way. His jaw drops and he almost slams into a metal box with circles on the other side of him, swerving at the last moment. He turns red once pulled over, covering his hands with his eyes.

"Clothes… wolf?" I latch onto the familiar words, my voice scratchy and gravelly from disuse.

"Wuf! Wuf! Wuf!" I repeat excitedly. "I wuf!"

"You… woof?" He surveys me again, this time staring into my eyes. It finally clicks.

"You are the wolf?!"

"I wuf!" His arms grab at random things in the car, as if he can't control himself. He lets out a flurry of questions, questions I can't understand at all since he's going too fast.

"No," I say simply, and begin to repeat it over and over again. It is fun to finally be able to say that to him. He says it to me a lot.

He sighs in frustration, pulling the odd stick sitting at the side. It makes a clicking noise and I jump, leaning over to touch the now flashing button in the middle. He throws some type of cloak over me, gesturing to cover my fur-less body with it.

It took many moons to be able to understand each other a great deal. It was hard. I thought the biggest leap would be to become human, but understanding each other seemed just as big.

He found out by accident really that I spoke a different language. A random line of Russian appeared on the magic box with people in it and I said that equivalent of "what?" in Russian. I was surprised I understood too after all these years.

He brought me over to what he called an 'ally." The man was strange, with skin the color of fluffy clouds and eyes the shade of the sap that drips from trees. He spoke to me in Russian, but between words changing their meaning and the words I had forgotten sometimes it was still difficult to understand each other. He began to teach me my mate's soft tongue, a language he called English. I began to learn much faster after that, and when six months passed my mate said to the man no more and thanked him for his help.

My mate showed me a calendar to teach me the dates. It said the year was 2014. I was confused at first. Surely that is not the year. I cannot be over 400 years old. But it was no mistake. I'm reminded of my father's teachings. With the wolf, you can live forever. But every moment you are in human form you age.

I refuse to go back to wolf. I haven't since I changed into human. I'm too afraid I'll never turn back. My mate is a good mate. His magic white box makes food that taste a little better now that I am not in my wolf skin. He has a warm den too. We have everything we need.

"Mila, what are you doing?" Embry grumbles from under the blankets, sleep in his voice.

"Touching." I pronounce the word carefully, mindful of my accent. Most of the time people cannot understand me, but my mate usually can.

He peers at me in the darkness. "Why?"

"We are mates, I touch," I answer simply. In all the months I have been human my mate never tried to put pups in my belly. But now it is almost spring, the time to make them. We must hurry to put them there. I reach down and pull the covers off him to reveal his small clothes, but as I stare down at him realize I don't know what to do. Do people mate like wolves?

"Pups?" I ask curiously, attempting to pull my warm clothes off. My mate turns an odd shade of red, tugging the cloth back down.

"No Mila."

"Yes Embri." I stare bull-headed with him. What is wrong with my mate? We must make pups.

"Mila," he says softly. "I think you are not thinking straight. Even in human form your wolf takes over. It is mating season for wolves," he says knowledgeably. "It's a wolf's instinct to do this, but you do not have to. Humans can make babies all year round."

This cannot be. All animals have certain seasons. It is backwards and unnatural. But then I remember Gavrie, born with ice still on the ground; and Akilina, born with the colorful leaves surrounding us.

He is right. The wolf has taken over one more.

Tears of frustration fill my eyes and I turn my back to him, balling my hands into fist while gripping the sheets tightly. A hand rubs through my fur, no _hair_, and I pull away from it. He sighs.

"Mila, it's okay. You have been a wolf for so long."

"It not okay," I denounce with a shaky breath.

"It is! Mila, it's alright. Don't be afraid." My mate wraps his arms around me, leaning his head against mine. Now it is my time to sigh.

"I angry."

"I know."

"I want be human! Wolf no more!"

"Yes," he whispers in a comforting tone. "Wolf no more."

I sob, because I am afraid. The wolf is too much in me. Even as a human it has all the power, and I can do nothing about it. I look my mate in the eyes.

"Never let me be wolf. Promise." I do not waiver from the stare. He watches me carefully, almost caressing my face in his perusal. Then he gives a light nod of agreement and I sigh in relief.

I cannot let the wolf take me. This is my life now.

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><p>I didn't write Mila with more of an accent because it looked too weird and discombobulated to understand. So I just told you she had an accent instead.<p> 


	5. Chapter V

Would anyone like to start having a recap of the last chapter I wrote from now on to help remember what happened so you don't get confused? I only post once a week so I know some of you probably forget what happened because I know I do when writer's wait a week or more to post chapters. Also my beta went MIA so I got two chapter's beta's and I'm alone the rest of the way. :/

Comments:

Guest: Thank you! I try! I release a chapter between Friday and Sunday btw. :)

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><p>5<p>

For many moons my mate was careful of who kept contact with me. Quill does since that's his _room mate_ as he says, and so does Claire. I remember my mate one tried to correct the way I say their names.

_"Claire," he said slowly, allowing me to watch how his mouth moves._

_"Care."_

_"No, Cl-luh-air."_

_"Ka-la-air." Quil snorts in the background._

_"Give it up _Embri_, she's not gonna say it right. Claire is going to be Care and I'm going to be Kill." He swirls his drink thoughtfully. "I personally think Kill is a kick-ass name. I'm not complaining."_

_"That's not the point," he sighs tiredly, rubbing a hand across his face._

He really does try to fix my accent. I think I'm forever stuck with it though. At least we can understand each other, something we both take comfort in.

The night my mate spurned my advance to have pups left me curious. Was he not ready for them? He smelled grown, he looked it too. I could not understand where he was coming from.

"Embri," I called out. "Why no pups?"

He burned red, a color I have begun to get fascinated seeing on him, and turned away from me. "We don't need pups," he murmured.

But who would continue our line? Even as a human I remember this was important. People had as many kids as they could so that they had enough hands around the house.

"Pups are future. Pups needed for house," I say reasonably. He turns to me.

"Do you want pups?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

My look turns to one of confusion. "Pups help around house."

"Do we need help?" My brows raise as I look around the house. It was almost spotless.

"Pups need to help with job?"

"No," he disagrees. "Pups aren't allowed at my job. It is too dangerous. I build things, accidents happen."

I never knew this about him. I race over and tug at his hand in excitement. "Papa make from wood. Brother's helped."

Surprise is evident on his face and a slow smile builds. "Do you know how to make things out of wood?"

I give him a crazy look. "Silly Embri. Girls no help with wood. Girls work in house. Girls take care of babies."

He watches me carefully. "Mila, times have changed. Women and men are equal."

I almost laugh.

"Silly Embri, you nice to mate."

He frowns. "Mila. Women work like men, and women and men share the housework."

This time I do laugh. I grab the knitting needle and start knitting. I had forgotten how to do it after all these years, but Embry showed me a person in the magic box and they taught me all over again. "I tell you joke. You laugh," I announce. "Man walking down road. Saw two people far away, but when he got there it was only one. Want to know why funny?" I pause and he gives a shrug. "It was man and woman. Only one person, woman not person." If anything my mate looks disgusted. I cock my head to the side, squinting my eyes. "What?"

I can see thoughts racing through his dark eyes a mile a minute. "Mila I'm going to say this once, and this is the only wolf thing I want you to do, okay?" Now he has my attention. "People are like wolves now. Male and female wolves both take care of babies, right?" I nod, feeling a bit suspicious. "And male and females hunt, right?" I nod again. "That is how humans are now. We are equal."

What? I frown, staring into my lap. It's such an odd notion I'm having trouble wrapping my head around it. He rubs a hand in my hair, touching my scalp and making me relax against him.

"I don't know." It's the only way to convey my confusion. I don't know what to say. Society was very strict, and people do strange things now. Males and females touch each other in public. If we did that back then it would be viewed that we were courting and to be married soon. If one did that in public and it did not work out then the female was disgraced and it would be hard to get anyone to take her afterward. Not many females were willing to chance this with their lovers. I still remember my niece Halina, and how she kissed her lover in shadows of the trees.

No, this is too confusing.

"Women work at home, men do job," I say stubbornly, yanking more yarn lose and taking up my knitting again.

"Mila…"

"No, _women work home, men work jobs_." I glare at him, daring him to say otherwise. He breathes out deeply, but keeps his mouth silent. I slow down, staring at him. "Women supposed to listen to men," I say hesitantly, knowing that I have not.

"Don't worry about that Mila. I'm going… I'm going to work with wood."

That was the end of that conversation, and he never brought it up. I tried listening to him, but sometimes he spoke such nonsense! I remember my mother complaining to me about the same thing with papa. Perhaps this is what all women do.

Clothes have changed so much, but I've gotten used to it. I do not even blink an eye. But when my mate brought three women, one showing all her legs, I took offence to that.

"Mate, what you doing? Woman naked!" There were prostitutes in my time, but even they did not dress like this. There was exactly one in my town. She was sickly and thin, her cheeks always gaunt and eyes lifeless. My mother once caught me making fun of her like the other girls and pulled me aside.

_"Listen to me Mila, you are to never say another bad thing about that woman again. Do you hear?"_

_"But Momma, Danaka said-"_

_"_I don't care what that little girl said_," she hisses. She calmly smooth's her dress out, straightening the angry expression off her face. "That woman has had a hard life, and she is not evil no matter what the town says. The town says we are evil, are we?" I shake my head slowly. She nods, dragging me back to the vendor and we start picking though the food. "You cannot believe everything you hear. Danaka may be rich, but she does not know all." My mother pauses, her eyes sad. "I used to be friends with her when we were young. We always picked dandelions on Free Day, bringing them to our mothers._

_"Her parents both got sick and died. Her uncle in the nearby town was willing to take the boys, but not her. She was thrown out on the streets to freeze and starve. Mila I know sometimes you have gone to bed hungry, but you do not know what it is to _starve_. She was afraid and alone, she was desperate."_

_My eyes widen and I stare at the half rotten food in front of me. I think abstractly that some of it can be cut away and we can still use it. "My parents, of course, told me I could no longer be friends with her. She was dishonorable, after all. I have not talked to her since."_

"Mate?" I ask softly. "This desperate woman?" The world has changed after all, maybe people try to take care of others that have had to walk harder paths.

The girl blushes deeply, even more than my mate ever has. The man behind her looks very angry, placing his hands on her shoulders comforting.

"I'm sorry," Embry apologizes immediately. "She doesn't know. Damn it, I told you guys she wasn't ready."

"No, it's fine." A woman steps forward, her hair more blonde than even mine. "My name is Lizzy."

I shake her hand. Embry taught me about this. "Hello. My namesake Mila."

"Name," Embry mutters. "Name."

I smile. "Name."

"What did she say," one of them whispers. I frown, frustrated once again with my harsh accent. I bring my gaze to my mate.

"Mate… these… pack?" He nods quickly, a desperation clinging to him.

"Yes! Pack!"

"People like wolves now, right?"

"Yes."

I survey all the women. "Too many females. Some must leave."

A silence permeates the air.

"Embry, I thought you said you taught her about society."

"I did! But it's so hard to teach her everything! Things we find so simple she has no concept of." He comes over to me, caressing my cheek with a thumb. He's never done that before, and I find myself leaning towards his warmth.

"What do you mean when you say there's too many women?"

I struggle to open my eyes. "Wolf pack only have one female, maybe two, that aren't pups. Others leave to find new pack. Humans like wolves now, right?"

He stops his movements against my cheek, rolling his neck in a circle and leaving it to stare at the ceiling. "I can't ever take her into public, can I?" He doesn't seem to be asking anyone in particular, and nobody responds.

"What do you mean by desperate woman?"

I don't know the word to explain that. I never learned the word prostitute in English before. "A woman… who do not make pups with a man. Try to make pups, but make sure not to. Man like it, pay money or food."

It takes them a bit to decipher this.

"Did she just call Kim a whore?" one of the pack ask.

Immediately the male behind Kim growls, glaring at me. I snarl back, showing teeth. His expression quickly changes to shock, but I'm too busy snapping my teeth at him. Embry grabs me up and takes me into our bedroom, placing me on the bed and holding me still until I calm down.

He looks tired. Very tired.

"Mila, people don't go around calling other people whores." So that must mean prostitute in English.

"It not her job?"

"No! Jared I think would have a conniption if it was."

"But," I trail off. "Her legs."

Understanding dawns on his face. "Mila, woman can show everything except their chest and… privates."

I do not understand at all.

"Like," he continues. "The place where a baby comes out, the place where a baby drinks, and… back there." He gestures to the general direction of my rear and I comprehend.

"When I last human, show ankles even bad."

"Yeah, I know. The world has changed a lot.

"Yes," I agree. "Magic is now everywhere."


	6. Chapter VI

Thanks to everyone that reviewed and favorited!

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><p>6<p>

Every time I overcame an obstacle, another is in my path. First the wolf, then language, and now culture? I'm just as frustrated as Embry is. I think he's given up on me for the most part when it comes to male and female roles. He just lets me do as I please, and it works for both of us.

"Mate, I want to make food for you. Show me to make it on hot box?" I've stubbornly been sticking to making a fire outside and cooking it there. But now the snow is falling and it is hard to get it to start well.

"Show me _how_ to make it," he corrects. "Now what is a hot box?" I point over to the aforementioned object and he stares at me incredulously. "A_stove_? A hot box is a stove? Mila, you make up the oddest names. Magic box? Metal with circles?" I asked about those once and he explained to me as much as he could about them.

I didn't understand a word he said. The words were English, but nothing I had ever heard of. At least I now know a magic box is a TV, and a metal box with circles is a car.

I shrug, finishing up the hat I knitted and placing it on his head to make sure it fits. He takes it off. "Mila, I told you before I don't need all of these. I have like five. I don't get cold. Make the girls some," he suggest. I nod, going back to adjusting the hat. A look of frustration seems to grow on his face, and he burst out, "Okay, that's it. Today we're going around and naming everything in the house." I raise my eyebrows but put the hat down, following him around the house. He corrects me when I say things like yellow noise maker and voice string. The first one happens to be called a microwave and the second a telephone. They're both magic.

I feel overwhelmed by the time we're done, my brain throbbing.

Lately he has been educating me, teaching me things I never would have been allowed to know as a girl before. Math I found the most useful. It gave shortcuts, and I no longer have to use all my fingers and toes to count to twenty. I have always been proud of my numbers. My brothers only knew up to fifteen, because we never had to know numbers much higher than that. Orders for my father's business were never that big, and for food we usually bought it by twos, threes, or a dozen. I had convinced the baker to teach me up to twenty. He rewarded me with sweet bread, my first sweet bread that I ever had.

"What is wrong mate?" I ask him. He looks stressed,, staring down into his hot chocolate morosely.

"One of the guys imprinted, but the girl is a mess. All she want to do is drink, smoke, party. Crap like that." He pushes his hot chocolate away and lays his head down with a sigh.

I still do not understand some of the odd language he uses, like crap. He tried to explain that sometimes you can use negative words as curse words, but when I shouted hungry at Quil once in a bout of anger they were only confused, and then laughed.

I do not like this centuries curse words.

Even some of the words I had around when I was first human, like fuck, have changed. It is shouted as a curse that I do not even understand now. Then it was used when a man had sex with a woman that he was not married to. It was used as an insult to the man.

"What is wrong with drinking?"

"Drinking Mila, as in getting drunk." Ah.

"What is wrong going to party?"

"_A_ party," he corrects. "And she is not going to the right kinds. It's not to celebrate anything, it's to go and do bad things."

"And imprint is mate, right?" He's tried to explain it to me before, saying it was more complicated than mate. But I do not understand.

"Yes."

"Her mate doesn't like it?"

"No."

I huff, shaking my head. "She should listen to her mate."

"She might have listened to him more if it wasn't for the fact that he's fourteen and she's eighteen. She views him as a kid, a cute kid that likes to follow her around."

That is quite odd, but then I am much older than my mate too. I am suddenly glad he is grown and not a pup.

"If she is not a good mate can he pick another?"

"No Mila, I told you it is not that simple before. That is his mate, he is stuck with her."

I do the odd human expression of showing teeth to convey happiness. "We are stuck together Mbri."

His grimace turns into a loving smile, and he rubs a hand down my arm feather light. "Yes, we are stuck together."

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><p>It's almost a full season until he allows me to see the women again. This time, we go to them. It is exciting, since I barely get out. He lets me run the forest, but asks me to stay nearby in his worry because I no longer have wolf skin.<p>

"Remember Mila, be careful of your words. Sometimes words can be rude and offend people."

"I do not understand it though," I grumble, a frown on my face. Embry clears his throat.

"Also, one of them has a baby. Be careful around her, okay."

Delight fills me. I have not seen a baby in many seasons. I have not touched one for even longer. As the oldest girl in my family much of the responsibility fell to me. It was stressful, because it always seemed like me and my mother did all of the work. We did all the laundry by hand, using soap we made out ashes and animal fat. I helped take care of Akilina. I was usually the one feeding, clothing, and bathing her along with all my other chores. We salted the meats my brother Wenzel would sometimes get from his hunts, preparing for winter. We scrubbed the house, mended clothes, and checked the house for any holes or drafts. Our chores were numerous and seemed to never end. There was always something to do.

There are many things I do not like about this time, but chores is not one of them. There is much less work now. I can cook food on the stove, or microwave, and it is finished. Food doesn't expire as quickly, so we do not have to run and get fresh vegetables every few days from the market during the hot season. The cleaning supplies work much better. Sometimes I can spray something and not even have to scrub. The only thing I continue to do is clean clothes by hand, because I do not trust that magic machine to clean them correctly.

"What is her namesake?"

"Name Mila, if you say that to someone they will look at you like you're crazy. Her name is Jordyn."

_Jordyn_.

"Another imprint will be there too. Be careful around her, she gets nervous easily. Her name is Ara."

Now that's a much better name than all the other names I've heard here. They tell me names I can't even pronounce. I pronounce Quil's name better now, calling him Ku-ill. Quil says to call him Kill though. I usually don't even try to say Embry, calling him mate instead.

"I never see Ara before."

"No, last time they came she decided to stay back and take care of Jordyn with her mate."

"What is the pack gathering for?"

"It's a bonfire. We tell Quileute stories and meet together."

"Stories?" I've always loved hearing stories. Sometimes if papa wasn't too tired he would tell us them as we fell asleep.

I hold the plastic box that holds my homemade _pirogi's_, one of my mates' favorite dishes. It holds potatoes and seasonings covering it is a pasta bread. My mate seasons the potatoes and I do the rest, his seasoning is quite good. I haven't caught on to seasoning yet. When I was young we used salt to keep meat, and my father viewed pepper as a superfluous ingredient that was a waste of money, so we only got salt. The salt on the meat.

But my mate is a good cook. He is better than me and has convinced me to allow him to cook sometimes. The cooking always fell onto the woman in my time unless the man's life earnings was from being a cook or baker.

"Yes, they're about how the Quileute's came to be. They say the first Quileute was made from a wolf."

I think about that. "_Vilkacis_ are different than your wolf. Some of us do not actually become a wolf. For some instead of changing skin, our soul leaves and enters a wolf's. Akilina was like that, it is why the moon called to her so much," I whisper. "Her body was always left unprotected when she did that. Papa always worried she'd leave and never come back one day."

"Why is it different like that? Between you and your sister."

"I am not sure," I say uncertainly. "Papa didn't know either."

"Did he tell you how you came to be?"

"No, Papa said grandpa never told him."

I never realized the bonfire was next to the ocean. I'm so excited that as soon as Embry parks the car I'm racing towards it.

"Mila, don't! It's too cold!" I stop at the last moment, letting the small waves wash at my sandaled feet. He is right, it is very cold. An arm wraps around me, pulling me away from the glittering water. "Come on Mila, this way," my mate murmurs.

I stare up at him. "One day?"

"One day," he promises, reaching down to grab my hand and pulling it up for a kiss. My cheeks burn and I look away.

Being wolf for so long made me forget the more complicated things about humans, like emotions. He makes my stomach feel unsettled and breathing pick up. Sometimes I like it, but other times I do not.

I never had a lover when I was human, I had too much work to do to even think of it. I cannot even remember any of the boy's names from my village. Mama talked to me about this once, saying if I was lucky I would love my husband and it would be about more than just having children. I didn't care about that then, it seemed so far away. My parents talked about finding me a husband, but then they would always rule that I was needed around the house. At least until Akilina was old enough. But at fifteen, my time was ticking. Any girl after eighteen that was not married was viewed badly. It meant something must be wrong with them and it was hard to get them married off. Most girls in my village got married at fourteen.

What I felt for Embry confused my wolf. She didn't understand, but didn't fight it much either. Before I only thought about pups and making them for the future, but now….

Sometimes I want to reach over and kiss him.

It's very bold of me. My mother would be ashamed if she heard me say that. In my whole life I only saw Mama and papa kiss on the cheek, never the lips.

But I don't care.

Women kiss here all the time, and in public too. I only want to kiss his lips, at least once.

"Mbri…." I trail off, watching as our latched hands pull me slightly forward before he realizes that I have stopped walking. I stare into his eyes, and take in every part of his face.

His dark eyes that I have learned to love, his stubborn chin. At first glance his face seems very blank, with little to no emotion filtering out, but his eyes are always thinking. They go back and forth. Back and forth, surveying everything calmly and with accuracy. I reach up and run my hand from his cheek bone down to his chin, and then trace his lips. I place both hands on his shoulders, staring into his eyes as they darken even further.

"Mbri, kiss," I whisper, staring up at his lips. This time when I look into his eyes nothing is given away. He looks down at me, placing both hands gently on my face and holding them there. He pushes some of the hair out of my face before leaning down, his expression turning to one of adoration. Our lips touch and it pulls the breath out of my lungs. It is soft, his lips slightly wet. I grin when we pull apart, skipping around him in a circle. He shakes his head at me.

"Mila, do you understand love?" I skip around him, laughing.

"Mama said to hope for me and my future husband to love each other," I giggle.

"But do you understand it?" I stop skipping, landing in front of him breathlessly.

"Mama said I'd know true love when I held my first babe."

He doesn't seem happy with my statement. "I want to tell you something Mila, okay? Listen."

I nod, my hair flying each way with the rough shake.

"Mila, I love you. I want you to know that. And one day, I'll teach you to love me too."


	7. Chapter VII

Don't forget to review!

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><p>7<p>

We get to the bonfire soon after his proclamation. I hold his hand, because it feels good in mine and I want to. There are many women around the fire, and even more men. I see that Embry and Quil being so large is not some fluke: they all are. I'm shocked to notice that Embry and Quil aren't even the biggest in their pack. A man named Sam is the tallest, and a man named Paul is the bulkiest. Both of them have mates, the women almost dwarfed by them.

"I'm not sure if you remember me, but my name is Lizzy. We met a while ago."

The blonde girl I'd met before sticks her hand out at me with a smile. I look down to see her belly swollen with the beginnings of pregnancy.

"You have baby?" I reach down to touch the small mound. She jumps, but otherwise does not react.

"Mila, give her some space. You can't just touch people like that," Embry murmurs, pulling at my arm.

"Oh it's fine. I don't mind," she brushes off. "Yes, I'm pregnant." A look of contentment fills her face as she rubs her hand back and forth across her belly. I stare wistfully at it.

I want pups. I have waited many years for them. But my mate will not give them to me. Maybe I am too stubborn and he is punishing me.

"Are you okay?" Lizzy is staring at me worried, nibbling on her bottom lip. I straighten my back.

"My feelings are fine," I assure her. Embry snorts from behind me and I give him a nudge with my elbow. Her mate walks up and protectively pulls her into his arms, watching me with a dark expression.

"Relax Paul, she's not going to hurt her."

"Well excuse me if I don't believe that. The last time we saw her she tried to kill Jared."

The veins in Embry's neck protrude and his face reddens as he takes a step forward angrily. "Jared growled at her! What the hell did you expect her to do? Her instincts stay with her in human form just like us!"

I begin to debate whether or not Paul is threatening my mate. I watch his body language carefully. He's protecting his mate, pushing her behind him with a furious glare on his face. His mate paws at his side trying to get his attention, but he ignores her.

"A wolf growling at another is asking for a fight! I told you guys to be careful about that but you didn't listen!" Embry takes another step forward and Paul snarls. It brings one of my own out of my throat and I hunch my back, my teeth clearly on display.

"Enough! I don't want to hear any more about this for the rest of the bonfire!" the alpha commands.

Paul snarls again but walks away muttering, "At least my fucking imprint is human."

It's all it takes for Embry to jump at Paul, but the Alpha is already there. He grabs Embry by the scruff of his neck and lets his weight pull Embry to the other side and away from Paul. Embry stumbles, snarling and shaking while his alpha screams at him.

My mate is not safe.

The change happens upon me and soon I am sitting on four legs, snarling in pain from the transformation. Before they know what happens, I leap for the one closest to me out of the two, Paul, going for the throbbing vein in his neck.

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><p>3rd POV<p>

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><p>"Look what you fucking did Paul! You're such a fucking ass hole! Did you even fucking think before doing that? Of course you didn't." Embry Call paced across the sandy ground, his face red with anger.<p>

"I'm fucking sorry okay! I freaked out. Lizzy was there, and I just got scared." Embry scoffed at him and Paul glares. "Look, isn't it enough that she practically ripped my throat out?" Blood covered Paul's shirt and he seemed weak because of it, sitting down on the ground while holding his neck as the last of his injury healed. His mate cried softly behind him. Embry paced some more before standing in front of Paul.

"If I lose my imprint because of this I'm coming for blood," he promises. They lock gazes, both dominant in nature, and then Paul looked away. Embry lets out a displeased growl in the back of his throat and marches over to the aforementioned imprint. She sat licking her paws, cleaning off the blood she had gotten on her from the attempted kill. An almost pleased expression sat on her face. Her tongue lags out when she sees her mate walk towards her and he pauses for a moment to stare at her. A whoosh of breath leaves his throat and he seems to deflate.

"Mila?" her ears cocked at the familiar name. "Mila come on, let's go home."

Mila ignores him and turns to the alpha, who she had been forced to submit to when he had grabbed her off the man that had threatened her mate and held her until she stilled, forcing her to look him in the eyes and accept his dominance. The alpha sat with his head in his hands, his mate rubbing his back in a comforting gesture. Mila pranced over to him, her face appearing to gloat when passing Paul, and rubs on the alpha. The alpha was hers to protect now too. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to do with her mate. Only the alpha was allowed a mate. Maybe she could fight her way to second and he would allow her and her mate to stay as long as they did not makes pups.

Sam looked up and sighed, rubbing his hand behind her ear to assure her that everything was okay. She licked his arm, before sitting down beside him and carefully surveying the area for any trouble. Her eyes particularly seemed to fall on Paul.

Embry's chest rose and fell swiftly, his breathing hitched. "Sam?"

Sam let out a loud sigh, pulling the wolf's attention. After she was assured all was well, she went back to surveying the area. "I don't know Embry. I don't know."

Embry's jaw trembled and he clenched it, tensing his whole body. "It was going so well," he whispered.

"I know Embry. I'm sorry. We'll fix this," Sam promised.

"How?"

Sam doesn't respond, no one does. The silence is enough of an answer.

Embry stares into the darkening sky, his eyes dragging from one star to the next. He takes in the quietness of his pack mates, and he cries.


	8. Chapter VIII

I'm done with school for the next month! So now I have more time with only an internship going on. I was thinking from now until my break is over I'll start posting twice a week, but only if I get more reviews. So less reviews, once a week. More, I post twice.

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><p>8<p>

It took almost a whole season for me to phase back. During this time I barely stayed with my mate, choosing instead to protect the alpha. It was only towards the end, when I began to realize that there was no threat, did my human thoughts begin to filter in once more and I began to stay with my mate.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, staring to the ground. Water covers my eyes, but I blink them back.

"I'm just happy to have you back." Embry kisses my forehead, leaning his head onto mine. I give him a weak smile and he places a blanket over me to cover my nudity.

"I can't even remember why I shifted," I murmur.

Embry's answer is a hiss, his reaction immediate. "Paul."

"I am sorry," I repeat.

"Don't be sorry, Paul is an idiot," Embry grumbles. "He should have known better than to do that in front of you, especially after Jared."

After this I can't help but wonder if I am I a liability to my mate. He must be careful around me, and I have caused strife in his pack. Paul is mad about _me_, not what Embry did. I only seem to cause problems for my mate no matter how hard I try.

"Embry, what do you think of me?" I ask carefully.

He gives me an odd expression. "What do you mean? Are you asking what are my feelings for you?"

"No," I repeat. "What do you think of me."

His eyes cloud over in confusion and he brings a hand up to his chin. He does not understand.

"Am I a good mate to you?" I rephrase.

"Oh, Mila. Don't think like that."

I sniffle, feeling the water slowly drip down my face. "I'm not, am I? I can't even stay human for you." He wraps me up tightly in my blanket and brings me inside to bed, snuggling against me. "Is this why you will not have pups with me?"

His eyes widen. "No Mila! No, that's not why. I-" he trails off, appearing divided. He takes a deep breath in. "You're not ready for that Mila. You're so protective of me... would you even let anyone near the children we have?"

"I'm supposed to protect my pups though."

"Yeah, but not against my pack. Mila, my pack would never hurt them," he promises, peering into my eyes.

I swallow. His words make me nervous, but he would not lie to me.

"So the problem is my protectiveness?"

"The problem is your wolfness," he admits.

I remain quiet, thinking this over. "I don't want my wolf anymore Embry. It does not help me, it makes things worse."

His expression pains. "I can't take your wolf away Mila."

The words tumble out of my mouth. "But I can't control it."

"I know love, we're working on that."

"The minute I think you or our pups or anyone I care about is in danger the wolf will come out. This I promise." I do not even realize when she takes over. The transfer is seamless.

"Was it like this when you were human all that time ago?"

"No."

"Why is it different?"

"Because I have been wolf too long. I was never supposed to be able to turn back to human, but I did. The wolf allows me this, she knows it is important. That is why I can be human."

I have no control over myself, not true control. I think I need it if I'm ever to be with Embry.

My mate breathes beside me, his words quiet. "We cannot do anything Mila, only hope. And cherish any time we have together."

Water leaves my eyes, the water I now remember is named tears. My cries are silent against him except for the ragged breaths I take.

"She does not understand," I whisper. "She is wolf."

His arms wrap tighter around me, scrunching me to him. "I know."

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><p>Embry POV<p>

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><p>I stare into Sam's eyes. He's been hiding something for months. All of us know this, but we cannot figure out what it is. He looks me over with a raised brow.<p>

"How is Mila?"

I clear my throat. "Much better. She's doing really… well." If that's the word for it. Her wolf seems to be far away, but she's always jittery. Like a mouse.

He nods, distractedly staring out the window. Sam's house is empty except for us. He told the guys to stay away from the house, and Emily went to Port Angeles with Jordyn and Lizzy.

"Emily is getting older," he announces. My gaze is brought back to him.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

I think I know where this is going.

"Why are you telling me this first?" I ask immediately.

His eyes meet mine. "Because you're my second, and you're going to be the one to take over once I stop phasing."

I flounder for a second before gathering my thoughts. "I'm not ready, I-"

"You're as ready as you'll ever be," he interrupts taking a sip of the beer he had grabbed, a relaxed expression on his face. It's the opposite of mine.

"But I'm not meant to be alpha," I say, grasping desperately at straws.

"Neither was I, but I don't think I did too badly."

No, he didn't. He did a pretty damn good job, especially when dealing with how young we were. He helped raise us, molding us into men.

I need a chair.

I sit down on the sofa, clutching my head. "I can barely control my imprint," I mumble.

"Your imprint can barely control your imprint," he counters, making me sigh. It's true, despite how much I want to deny it.

He sits beside me, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Do you remember that bonfire? The first one you took your imprint to?"

I laugh bitterly. "How could I forget?" It was when Mila turned wolf again, and she could not become human for months.

"I was going to announce it then, my retirement. But that happened. I knew you need more time."

"What about the next time it happens, huh Sam? What am I supposed to do then?"

"Do the same thing you did last time."

"But I hate Paul," I say, changing tactics. "How am I supposed to be fair to him?"

"You don't hate Paul," he snorts out. "You're pissed at him. There's a difference. I think you'll find yourself able to be fair."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I know you Embry. If you weren't good for this job do you think you would be my second? Paul is good too, but every now and then he gets angry which is why he's my third. He became pretty level headed after Lizzy, but he has certain ticks. Being obsessively protective of Lizzy is one of them. He's trailing Lizzy and Emily around the mall as we speak."

It sounds like something Paul would do. I don't know how the girls never notice him trailing them, but they've never said anything.

"What if Jake comes back? Maybe Jake can take over." I look at him hopefully.

"Embry, did you forget what his imprint is? Maybe one day she can come on Quileute ground, but for now it's a no." He looks me in the eye. "Are you going to accept this? You're the best choice Em, we need you."

I run a hand through my hair and stare at the ground. "Yeah."

Was there ever a choice?


	9. Chapter IX

9

"Ara wants to come over, is that okay?" Embry's voice sounds hesitant, as if he wished he never said it.

"Yes, I'd like that," I answer softly. He takes a deep breath in, before calmly walking over to the phone to call them.

My wolf has given me a lot of space. I barely feel her now. She knows I need this, and I am thankful. I need to pull myself together. I think I am doing very well, but Embry always worries about me.

"When is she coming over," I ask.

"She's going to stop by sometime today."

I never met Ara, although I've seen her before. I usually stay away from my mates pack in case my change is triggered by them. It seems every time I meet them I'm affected badly somehow.

"Are you gonna play dolls with me?" Claire stares up at me hopefully. I smile, grabbing one of her dolls. Dolls are strange looking things, with odd waist and twisty limbs. Claire seems to like them enough. Quil is always careful to watch me around her. I'm glad for it. I'm afraid one day she'll say something I do not like and the wolf will intervene. Right now Quil is sitting on the sofa pretending to watch TV, but I know for a fact he is not paying attention. His face is too still, and his posture too tense.

"Do you know Ara?" I whisper to Claire.

"Yes, she doesn't say much. Aunt Emily called her a people watcher." Her face scrunches in distaste, as if she cannot understand the concept.

If Ara is a people watcher why would she want to visit me? I cannot help but be confused. Wouldn't she avoid someone like me?

"Cause Seth doesn't stop her." I blink, turning to Quil. "She has this thing about control… she wanted to go see you." He laughs, almost lost in thoughts. "Half the time I don't think she wants to do the things she says, but she seems to take pleasure from it anyways."

"You stop your imprints from visiting?"

"Yes." He glances sideways at me, sizing me up. "If I could help it Claire wouldn't come, but I live here so sometimes I have to."

"Hey," Embry shouts from the kitchen annoyed. "Leave Mila alone, she can't help it." Quil shrugs, turning back to the TV.

As bad as it makes me feel I do not blame Quil. If it wasn't for the fact I knew my wolf would never touch Embry I wouldn't want me here either. "I'm sorry," I whisper, staring towards the ground.

"You can't control it, I get that. You don't do it on purpose, we're just taking… precautions."

"Quil," Embry says, giving him a warning.

"Okay, okay shutting up," Quil mumbles.

I always wondered why Quil does not come here very often. It is his home, but he usually only comes to sleep or watch TV. Claire is barely here with Quil. I know Emily kicked them out today, told them to go on a walk or something. It's only instances like this when I see Claire.

"Ara and Seth are here," Embry shouts from the kitchen. I've become more lax about Embry cooking, especially with his food tasting so wonderful. My stomach bubbles, something I've come to acquaint with being nervous. I whisper I'm going to the kitchen to help Embry and make my get-away.

"Mila?" I look up to see Embry staring at me, the boiling water forgotten.

"Mbri," I mumble. He places his utensil carefully on the counter and wraps me in a hug, kissing the top of my head.

"What is it love?"

I breathe him in deeply, taking in his earthy scent. "I am afraid."

He rubs my back in circles, making me relax against him. "It's okay to be afraid." He pushes my hair back and I look up at him. "It's okay, everything will be fine. Seth and Ara are really mild people." When he sees my confused expression he elaborates. "They're calm. Laid back, not too loud. Everything will be fine."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

I can hear low voices talking in the living room, voices I've been ignoring. "Can I stay in here until the food is done?"

"Of course. The noodles are almost finished. I'm waiting on the meat balls." He turns the oven light on to check and then turns it back off. I stayed glued to his side, holding onto his waist as he finishes the food.

All of his pack are afraid of me, that I understand. What they don't understand is I'm afraid of me too. I want to be the best mate I can, but it's hard to do that when you're more animal than human. It doesn't matter how much I fight, because my wolf will always win. Even when I fight with everything I have she takes over with ease. It doesn't even slow her down to fight. I breath in deeply, takimh the dishes from the cabinet and setting the table. It only sits four, so two of us will have to stand. Seth and Ara come in and I nod to greet them, giving them a small smile and staring to the floor. After standing there awkwardly for a few moments I walk behind my mate, wrapping my finger through one of the back loops in his pants and leaning my head against his back. He turns to look at me, rubbing a hand through my hair, and then pulling the garlic bread out the oven finishing the meal.

"How have you been Mila?" Seth asks with a smile. He seems very relaxed, calm even. It surprises me. Everyone around me is always on guard, even my mate.

"My health is good," I answer. Quil shakes his head at me with a smile, already used to my antics.

"That's always good,' he grins, seeming as if he truly means it and it's not some pleasantry.

"Yes," I agree haltingly. "You have been… good?" Another word I do not exactly understand. Good. It is used for everything.

"Yes, very good." The response pulls a true smile out of me. I hope to see Seth more often. Seth gestures over to his mate, who blushes with the attention put on her. "This is my imprint Ara, she's a bit shy like you."

The pack has misunderstood me, taking my quietness and avoidance as shyness. I am not shy, but fearful.

I only nod.

His mate clears her throat. "I hear you have not always lived in America."

"No, I have not. My first home was in Russia, although now I hear it's called Latvia. They declared independence," I murmur thoughtful.

"Where else have you lived?"

I stare at her, unsure. "I don't know. I ran many places, but do not know their names. It didn't matter to me as a wolf."

She nods slowly, chewing some of the food in her mouth. It seems that Claire and Quil have bundled up to one chair, with her on his lap. My mate takes everything off the stove and does the same to me, leaving a kiss on my cheek. I pick my plate up to eat and lean against him. He is too tall and it is awkward to reach down for the food.

"You have lived a very long time. Do you remember a lot? What did everything used to be like? Did you see any civilizations that are now gone?" She pries with a scholars thirst, staring at me unblinking. She somehow reminds me of the monk that would sometimes visit our town to get food for his monetary during the warm season. He liked to ask us questions, so many questions at once that it would overwhelm a person. Most people tried to avoid him unless they needed his religious practices.

"The world is very different, almost like a different planet," I whisper. "The way you speak, the customs you have, the way you act. It's all very confusing. Life is a lot easier now, not so many people die. You have children and most of them live. My mother birthed nine children, only five survived. She lost three during pregnancy, one during birth, and the last one died before reaching its one milestone. It was the cold season, and we could not stay warm enough let alone a babe."

"I am not sure about civilizations," I continue on. "As I said before, I was a wolf. I can tell you about Russia though. Our Tsar had died a few years before… everything happened," I say, referring to myself turning into a full-time wolf. "The common people called our time the Time of Troubles. I do not know if they call it that now, or if it is even recorded. Our crops were poor, we were very hungry. A famine was spreading throughout the country. All but one of my family members had died before the famine really hit us. I hunted for my brother, so he was not as hungry and was able to live through it."

"You had a brother?" Surprise is evident in Embry's face. I do not speak about my past or family much. I'm just unsure what to say about it, and it's been so long that some details have been long forgotten. Most of my memories are of the forest, running and racing through tree lines and crashing into streams.

"I had three brothers, one of them survived and lived to old age."

"Tell me about him."

"I was a wolf when he became an adult. He was very good with wood, and made his own shop. He had eleven children, seven survived to childhood and only four to adulthood."

"Were they sickly?" Ara probes.

"Not really, there was no medicine. Many got sick and died. His first wife and first born got sick and died. He re-married and that wife lived."

"You saw this as the wolf?"

I nod, twisting my napkin in my hand. Embry rubs a comforting hand up and down my arm, sensing my nervousness. Soon after we clean up dinner Seth, Embry, and Quil watch some strange sport with a ball that seems to be broken based on the ovular shape of it. They both scream at the TV, getting excited as the mini people run from one side to the other. Claire has fallen asleep in Quil's room already being worn out from when Quil played with her earlier.

"Do you like it here?"

I turn to Ara. We're sitting on the floor talking, a decent amount of space between us. "Here as in with Embry? Or here as in this time period? I like both."

She nods, thinking about what I said. "You know, I was expecting a lot worse with how all the guys put it."

I swallow deeply, tugging at a string in the rug. "My animal is," I pause, thinking of the best word. "Unstable."

"You seem fine now."

"Until I feel like someone is threatened," I counter.

She shrugs, rolling her shoulders as if she didn't care about that little fact. "Maybe it is your guardian's way of protecting you."

I blink. "What?"

"Your guardian? The one that protects you?" She inches closer, excitement in her face. "Quileute's believe that everyone gets a protector. It can be a spirit, an animal, anything really. I think yours is a wolf, and maybe your people all get the wolf as a protector. It would make a lot of sense if that were true too, with you two being imprints."

It takes me a few minutes to process this, trying to figure out what to do with this information. "You think the wolf is not me, but a spirit that visits my body and protects me when I need it?"

She leans back. "That is what I think."

"But my sister. She did not have one. Her soul left her body and could enter a wolf's."

Ara thinks this over, her brows furrowing down in thought. "She did not find her guardian? But maybe she knew it was a wolf and leaving her body to go in a wolf's was her way of searching for it."

I crawl over to her, taking her hands in mine. "Is there a way to get it out? I must, I must have it out."

She hesitates. "Maybe, I am not sure," she hedges. "I do not know if that really is your Guardian."

"We can try though right?" Desperation is in my voice. Embry hears me and turns to me worried, watching me carefully. I ignore him.

Her eyes show indecision, looking left and right until they settle on me. "I'm planning on doing a trip to A-Ka-Lat to meditate among my ancestors to find my Guardian. I'm not sure if that will help, but it's worth a shot right?"

Yes, of course it is.


	10. Chapter X

I've been really busy lately, so idk how frequently I will be able to post from now on. It's my last semester in college, and in my major it gets really busy then. I'll try to post when I have time though.

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><p>10<p>

It was muggy the day Ara and I left for A-Ka-Lat. The snow had recently thawed leaving the ground wet and muddy, the dirt sucking us into the ground and pulling sneakers off.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I hear Seth ask Ara. It sounds as if he's doing everything possible to stop himself from holding his mate close and not allowing her on the trip. I do not understand them. Embry says they are mates, but they are not together. They are friends, but sometimes do things friends don't do. They hold hands a lot, and Ara likes to lean on Seth and stare up into his eyes.

But they are not together.

"Why can't you wait until it's warmer?" he continues.

"Because I've been waiting all winter, and I'm too impatient to wait for spring!"

They continue to argue, but I block them out to stare at my mate. His dark eyes that I love stare into mine, and I can tell he dislikes the situation as much as Seth does.

"I hope to come back human," I tell my mate. He rubs a hand over my cheek in response, reaching down until our lips touch. It is our second kiss.

"I hope you come back in one piece." He glances over to Ara. "Be careful around Ara. You've never had a problem with her before, but if you feel like you are about to go wolf get as far away as you can." I nod, agreeing with him and he leans down for another kiss. This one is longer, his lips moving against mine. He wraps his hand behind my head, the other placed on my lower back, and pulls me against him. I gasp in a breath before wrapping my arms around his neck.

We have never done this, and although I've seen people do this before I do not know what it is for. I take another gasping breath in.

I know now.

He lightly nips on my bottom lip, sucking on it and pulling it into his mouth. I pull away blushing. I turn to see if Seth and Ara have noticed, but they're still arguing over if they should postpone the trip. My cheeks are still red when I begin to talk.

"Mate?"

He grins, rubbing his nose against mine and pulling me into a tight hug before letting go. We hold hands as we walk over to Seth and Ara.

"Seth, I'm going on my Guidance trip. You can't stop me. I have to do this." She stops her foot in frustration, tears gathering in her eyes. "You know how much this means to me."

As soon as Seth sees the tears in her eyes his determination falters. He wraps an arm around her and sighs. "Yes, I do," he murmurs softly. He pulls back to stare into her eyes, holding her cheeks in his hands. "Be careful."

He places a kiss on her forehead and she closes her eyes, appearing content and at peace. The moment is over quickly and her eyes open and she brings them to me.

"Come on Mila, let's get going."

The guys help us push the canoe into the water. Ara told me how to row earlier, but theory and practicing with imaginary oars doesn't seem to be a very good teacher.

"To the right Mila, your strokes on the left are too strong," she mumbles.

I sigh, about ready to give up and jump into the frigid water to get there. But then I peer back at the dark blot that is my mate and know I cannot do that. He would be out here before I even began to feel the cold.

We're in a traditional canoe. The outside is mostly bare except for the tips of it. A pack member named Collin painted it for us, using traditional Quileute paints and designs. A squarish rendition of a wolf sits on the stern, colored in black and white. The pronounced tip where the sides of the canoe comes together served the bases of its snout. Behind me are abstract colors that I do not understand, but Ara seemed pleased with them when she saw it.

"What are we supposed to do when we get there?" Even though she's been planning this for month, she never actually told me what happens once we step outside the canoe.

"I'm not sure. Look around? We're going to have to get to the top before sundown. That's where the dead chiefs are buried. It's dawn though, we can take our time." She rubs a hand on her forehead, wiping away some of the gathered sweat, and grabs her paddle to row.

It takes almost thirty minutes to get there, and the tide almost crashes our canoe to shore. We hurry to drag it to dry ground, tipping it upside down to avoid any rain water that may gather in it. We've brought two days' worth of food, and have no shelter. Ara said it's supposed to be that way, and once we get up there all we're going to be doing is meditating. I begin to think more and more that this is a bad idea. After all, I am not Quileute. But doing nothing is even worse. Anything is better than nothing.

"Are there animals here?" I ask once we get past the first trees. The slope is steep to get to the top, and not being in wolf form has left me out of shape.

"Yes?"

"Predators?"

She shrugs, "I don't think so."

I begin to feel nervous, not because I am afraid of predators but because I am afraid if I run into one I will return as a wolf.

Maybe nothing_ is_ better than something.

At about noon we're half way up, both of us tired and breathing heavily. "Let's take a break and have lunch here," she suggest, dropping her backpack to the ground and leaning against a tree. I don't bother to answer, already sitting on the ground myself.

"Do you think our mates really left us alone?" I ask.

She turns to me as if she is displeased with my words, but lets it go. "No, they know better. It won't work if they're hovering over us."

"How do you know?"

"Because it is a spiritual journey. You must rough the wilds and sit with the ancestors to get what you want."

I have roughed the wilds practically my whole life and I have nothing to show. "What if it does not matter whether or not we rough the wilds?"

She sends a harsh glare at me. "It does," she says stubbornly. "In all the cases of going to A-Ka-Lat none of them talk about having others watch over them to make sure they're safe."

"Why do your ancestors want you to suffer? Shouldn't they want you to be safe?" I know I would not want my kin to feel hardship. I did much for my brother and his family when he was alive. But her face is furious, her jaw clenching as she turns her back to me.

"You don't get it, you're not Quileute," she answers tight lipped. She doesn't say another word to me until she's ready to go. Even when we've finally reach the top she does not said anything. It suits me fine. I do not mind the silence. It allows me to listen for danger.

As soon as we break the trees she hurries over to the edge, staring down the steep plunge with the wind blowing though her hair. Looking at her now all I can think of are Quileute warriors of the old. They seem to be in her, living and breathing life as she does. Her lips are slightly tipped up in a smile and she stretches her arms out at her sides. I look to the left and see what seems to be a game trail. On closer inspection I realize it is a walkway to the top, a much easier way to climb up here.

"Ara, did you know there is a walkway up to here?" I block the setting sun out with my hand, looking towards her. After a moment she turns around, placing her backpack near her and sitting on the ground.

"Yes."

I blink in confusion. "Then why did we walk up the hard side?"

"It was the way our ancestors did it when going on a spirit journey."

I sigh, placing my own bag on the ground and awkwardly dangling my feet in the air. She has determination. At least one of us will get what we want by the time this is all done.


	11. Chapter XI

My life is really busy right now between my internship and school, so I've been posting less. I'm not sure if I'm answering everyone's reviews. I think I am! But you can be assured I do read them all!

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><p>11<p>

I munch on a granola bar, searching in the dark for any suspicious looking mounds. Ara told me that most of the chiefs are buried under them, and I figure the closer I am to the dead chiefs the more likely I am to talk to them.

"Ara, what do we do at night?"

She has been silent the whole time. I wasn't sure if we're supposed to sleep or what. She pries one eye open leisurely. "Meditate," she answers shortly.

I stare into the sky, thinking about my mate. What is he doing? Is he okay? Is he worrying about me? I hope he sleeps well tonight. We have not been apart since the last time I became a wolf. "Ara?"

Her brows furrow down in frustration. "What?"

"When we meditate, what do we think about?" I don't even know what mediating is, but I know what it looks like. Ara has been doing it for the past few hours.

"Think about nothing, and it will come to you."

_Nothing?_

That is impossible, even for me who is accustomed to simple thoughts. "How do you do that?"

"I don't know Mila, but you have to be quiet," she answers, letting a bit of irritation filter through. "I can't meditate with you asking questions every five seconds."

"Can't you block me out?" I thought she could do that. She did just say she can think of nothing.

Her eye open to stare into mine. They are _very_ displeased. "Mila, please be quiet. This means so much to me, and I don't know if I'll ever convince Seth to let me do this again. Please? I really need this," she begs.

I nod, turning my back to her so I do not have the urge to ask her questions. This seems like an impossible journey. Think of _nothing_? How does that happen?

I decide to wander off on my own a short while later. Although my eyes are not accustomed to the dark in human form, the moon is bright and can guide me as long as I am not surrounded by too many trees. So far I have only seen small animals, such as squirrels and birds. I am grateful for the lack of predators here. Perhaps I will return to my mate human like he asked. I break through a tree line after I'm not sure how long. I'm not even sure how to get back. I suppose that's the pro to being on an island. Circle enough times and you'll find anything.

There is a cave, and my mind remembers one of the Quileute legends that has been told to me. While I cannot remember its name in Quileute, I remember it in English: Thunderbird. Legend has it that the cave Thunderbird stayed in rested on this island. Of course I cannot confirm that this is the exact cave, maybe there is another cave on this plateau. After a moment's hesitance I go in, the cave already much warmer than outside with the wind no longer blowing on me. I drop my pack on the ground and stare at the walls. In the dark I can barely make out the pictures. I trace them with my hand, sitting at the edge of the cave in the moonlight as I try to decipher them.

When I wake up my body is painful. I have not slept like that since meeting Embry. I have to stretch all my joints before moving. Looking to the sun I'd guess it's a bit passed dawn. I reach into my backpack for another granola bar, walking outside of the cave to lay on the soft grass. It seems living with Embry has made me lax. I am no longer made for the wilderness. Hope suddenly filters through me at the thought.

Does this mean I am disconnecting with my wolf?

Forgetting my granola bar I left on the ground I begin to pace back and forth. This is the closest I've ever been to losing my wolf. I feel breathless.

No worrying about losing myself to my wolf.

No worrying about hurting someone.

No worrying about losing my mate.

No worrying.

I must lose my wolf. These are words I never thought I'd say, fore I have always loved my wolf very much. But now I have a mate who needs me, and I need him. I hurt more than help with my wolf. She means well, but does not understand. My eyes drift to a pile of rocks, the grey peaking out between patches. I stare at them in confusion before realizing what it is.

A chief's grave.

I drop on my knees to get a closer look. The surrounding circle is large, taller than even me. I reach over and touch a rock. The earth has claimed it, the dirt and grass cementing it into place making it tough to pull out.

Why is this chief alone?

I don't remember anything about this. I don't even know if this is an honor or shaming them.

Well, no better time to mediate than now.

I climb on top of the pile and try to empty my mind. But it is not possible. When I hear a bird, my thoughts go to it. Sometimes I get distracted and think of my mate. Other times I try to think of nothing and just repeat the word "nothing" over and over again.

Ara must be a magic person, like the cars and phones and microwaves of this time.

Night falls with me failing miserably at my attempt of meditation. I should not be surprised. Ara said it herself.

I am not Quileute.

I go back to my cave to sleep. Tomorrow morning we will start the long trek down. I do not know if Ara will pick the easy or the hard way.

Most likely the latter.

I stare at the ceiling and smile. The paintings are there too, and more visible than last night with the light filtering into the cave. Men in canoes and hunting whales are depicted. The sun is up in the landscape, and on land the woman work gutting the fish. Many of the women have brown bumps on their backs, which I believe holds their babies. Their features cannot be made out, but there is a change in color from the face to the wrap. I fall asleep staring at the painting, my mind at peace.

_Wind is in my hair. It is down, out of the usual bun I stick it in. My hands rub on my side and I look down to see I have a dress on made of animal leather. It's barely past my knees, making it the shortest dress I've ever worn. My feet are bare, that part is not such a surprise since I hate shoes, only wearing them when it is cold or forced by my mate._

_I shiver, the wind picking up speed and dropping in temperature. From far away I can see an orange glow, what I'm guessing to be a fire. When I get there my body is wracked with shivers. I hurry to the fire, rubbing my arms to gain more warmth. It is quiet, besides the blowing of the wind. When I no longer am shaking with cold I have a look around. The moon is up, full and looming. Ahead seems to be a mountain, and behind me only darkness. Even though I passed through an opening in the trees to get here, I can no longer see it._

_Something stirs in the shadows making me squint to see it better. I am not afraid per say, more like on edge. I will become wolf if all else fails. But what comes out shocks me. __Its fur is a mixture of brown, grey, and black. Its cheeks and belly white. There was something strangely familiar about the beast. Another glimpse at it has me reeling in confusion._

_The creature is _me_._

_Those familiar paws I've seen beneath me as I've ran for countless moons. The bushy tail, with a bit of white under it. It's all familiar, and it's all me. I did not realize at first since I have never seen myself head on like this._

_"What are you doing outside of me?" I ask. The creature trails its eyes over me, before doing what seems to be the equivalent of a shrug and lying down next to the fire, it's eyes diligently watching the forest. _

_"You do not need to keep watch, nothing is out there," I tell her. In my wolf's eyes is disbelief. The wolf does not rest, it must always be ready. That is how the wolf survives._

_"I promise you do not need to watch me." Something deep in me tells me that this forest is not harmful, and I'm accepting my instincts._

_The wolf lets out a whine, pawing at the ground. I crawl over to her on my knees._

_"You are tired, are you not? You have protected me for many moons." The wolf huffs its agreement, chuffing into my neck and checking for injuries. "I am not hurt, do not worry of that either."_

_Her head cocks in confusion, watching me carefully. I rub a hand through the scruff of her neck. I know she likes it, because I like it too. _

_The sun begins to rise in the sky, slowly revealing the forest, and the wolf goes to take its leave._

_"No!" I gasp out. "Do not leave me." The warmth leaves with her, and I feel horribly empty. I was not meant to be that way. I need warmth to survive. I do not know how to function without it._

_The wolf turns around, wrapping herself around me and sniffing at my hair, giving me a lick before falling asleep._

When I wake I blink in confusion, the dream vivid in my mind. I usually do not remember my dreams, but every detail seems to stick out with this one. I roll my shoulders, the motions filling the air with a cracking noise, and I sigh in bliss.


	12. Chapter XII

12

The first thing out Ara's mouth when I see her is to ask if I was able to reach the ancestors. She sounds almost desperate, her eyes lashing left and right like a wild animals.

"No, I did not. I found a chief's grave, and many paintings in a cave," I say proudly. But I do not get the response that I expected. What almost looks like relief is in her eyes, although she seems ashamed of it. "Did you?" I ask, repeating her question.

"No, I did not," she admits reluctantly, not meeting my gaze. Her shoulders slump down with the question, and she stares down at the ground in grief. "Perhaps we did not stay long enough? Maybe we should stay another day?" she ask hopefully, doe eyes staring into mine.

"That would not work," I answer reasonably. "Our mates will come after us if they do not see us in the water by noon." Embry told me so himself, that I should at least try to be to on shore by noon.

Ara nods, turning towards the way we came. I was right, we are taking the hard way.

It was not as bad going down as it was going up, and much quicker. We do not stop, and we seem to have made good time when we get to the canoe. Flipping it over isn't the hard part, getting it to stay in the water is. The waves keep pushing us back to land before we can get far. After a while Ara gives up, staring down into the canoe with eyes watery.

"I don't understand," she finally says, her voice cracking. "I prayed to the sun and the _Tsikáti_. I asked for guidance from my protector and prayed to him too. I wear the traditional Quileute paint when we celebrate and I meditated for two days on A-Ka-Lat. Why will my Guardian not reveal himself?" Tears drip down her face, which she tries to hide by keeping her face hidden by her hair. I watch her hesitantly, unsure of what to do. Standing next to the ocean awkwardly, I finally decide to push the canoe back in the water. This tine, with more determination than before. I must get her to her mate. Her mate will know what to do. Mates seem to fix everything.

The first wave crashes over me and I almost breathe them in in shock. The water is shockingly cold, and I jump into the canoe before using the paddles to push into the sand and get further away. "Come on Ara, row," I command. She wipes at her face and grabs both paddles, doing as I say.

"So you did not get anything?" she checks again.

"No, I cannot meditate. I only dream."

Her rowing pauses for a moment. "What did you dream of?"

"My wolf," I shrug uncaring.

She sucks a breath in, turning towards me. "The ancestors talk to you but didn't talk to me? I am Quileute! I follow our ancient ways, and still they ignore me?" It is then she burst into uncontrollable tears, almost dropping the oar into the bottomless ocean before I intervene.

"Ara, we must get home," I murmur worriedly. She does not seem to care, curling up into a ball at the bottom of the canoe and making her odd breathing noises. Embry once called it a panic attack. It is another human thing I do not completely understand.

I cannot row well, and if I am the only person to row we will just go in circles all day. Looking down at the inconsolable girl in the boat I decide to try. I hum a song low in my throat, a song I no longer remember the words to.

"What is that?" She wipes at her eyes, her breathing beginning to come out more controlled.

I squint, spotting two dark spots on the cost: Embry and Seth.

"My mother sang it to me when I was small, and then to my sister when she was born," I answer, noticing that it was distracting her. "I do not even remember what the song was about, or even the words or lyrics, but I do know I loved it."

The canoe jerks to the left with the tide and we do a few circles before I am able to put us back on track.

"Can you… stop rowing?" she ask me haltingly. I frown in confusion, but stop. "I just don't want Seth to know that I was crying."

"He can smell it on you," I answer immediately.

"What? Their scent was that good?" Her eyes widen with her mouth sitting slightly open.

"Mine was." She breathes out in frustration, rubbing her face.

"Can you even hide anything from them?"

I think about this. "You both can pretend that he doesn't know." Humans like pretending. This much I have learned.

She groans, putting her hands in her face. "Are my eyes not red at least?" Her watery eyes stare into mine. My mate says sometimes it is nice to lie to others in order to make them feel better. I do not understand this, but I've seen it work before when Quil tricked Claire into thinking the dog on the TV really didn't die and it was all pretend.

"Wipe your face and you'll be fine. Put more salt water on you, it will cover the smell. He'll think it's the ocean."

It may work. Probably not, but maybe.

Our mates do not even bother to wait at the shore line, wading into the ocean to help pulls us in. Embry's hands run over me, checking for any hurts I may have. He kisses my forehead when he's done, wrapping an arm around my waist.

"How did it go?" We're closer to the forest edge. Seth and Ara are holding each other in a tight embrace. "Did it not work out?" Embry whispers. I shake my head, staring up at him.

"She did not see her protector. She was sad, and angry."

He nods, turning to look at her. "Sometimes it does not work out. She will take it hard." He tugs on my hand, leading me through the woods.

"What about the canoe?"

"The pack will take care of it. Seth and Ara need some time alone."

I frown. "But Ara and Seth are not mates."

"No, not yet. They will be one day."

"Why not now?"

"Because she is not ready."

"Why?"

"It's a human thing," he answers simply.

My smile fades. A human thing. Something I would not understand. I am human, but I do not understand them. I do not even understand myself anymore. I am not the wolf, but I am not human either. I am nothing.

"Mila?"

I swallow, blinking away the tears before turning to Embry. "I'm fine." Despite the whoosh of breath that leaves me, my voice is steady. I stretch, pushing the odd feeling to the side before grinning at him. His eyes seek out mine before giving an unsure smile back.

People enjoy playing pretend.

"So did you find anything while going there?"

"I found a chief's grave, and a cave filled with drawings." This stirs his attention.

"Drawings?"

"Yes… they were old. I think it was the Thunderbird's home."

He chuckles, shaking his head at me. "The Thunderbird is a tale."

I turn to him in confusion. "Don't you believe it?"

"No, I believe it was based on something. But I do not think there was a Thunderbird."

I stop walking, feeling as if my whole world were tilting. "Ara believes it."

"Yes she does," he agrees, taking a step forward.

"They are your people's tales."

"Yes."

"Why do you not believe it?" I ask softly.

He is Quileute. It is his people's stories and he is part of the legends. Shouldn't that be proof enough of its existence?

"It's not rational."

I flinch. "I am not rational."

"Mila," he sighs, rubbing at his face. "You're rational."

"I am not. You're saying that so you do not hurt me. Nothing about me is rational. I know what they say. I know." All his pack brother's whisper about me. I hear them, how they say I never make sense. How I should be able to understand certain things like TV's and microwaves. Just because I do not react does not mean I do not know. Embry's jaw begins to tighten, and his eyes stare intensely into mine. I speak again before he is able to try to change my words. "I am not rational, does that make me not real?"

Immediately the look fades, his body deflating. "Mila, don't think like that."

"I cannot help the way I think. Are my thoughts irrational too?" I clench my fist tightly to stop the shaking, stuffing them in my armpits.

"Mila," he whispers. "It's not like that. You do not understand."

"It is another human thing?" My heart feels heavy, and it is difficult to take breath into my lungs. I look up to the sky, taking a deep breath in as I try to place this foreign feeling.

Hurt. My mate has hurt me.

"No, no, no," he denies, wrapping his arms around me tightly. He breathes me in, pushing some of the hair away to get to my neck. "Listen to me Mila. You are not irrational, you are a hu-" His hesitation tells me all I need to know, but he continues anyways not noticing the comprehension in my eyes. "You are human with a wolf inside of you. I am the same, am I not?"

"The wolf does not control you."

"Sometimes it does," he disagrees.

"No it does not. I have watched you. That is not the wolf taking over, but your own emotions. You do not know what it is like to be truly wolf." I speak the words as plain truth, with no anger or hurt in them. I am only tired. Tired of losing. Tired of having no control. I rest my head against Embry's chest, making sure he cannot see my face. "You are Quileute. Why do you not believe in the Thunderbird?"

He runs a hand through my hair, leaning his chin on the top of my head. "In older times we made up stories to make sense of things. Now we have more logical things, like science."

"Science does not make sense, the stories do," I answer adamantly. Science never makes sense. Embry has tried to explain things to me, such as how electric works or cars run. He never makes sense. His words turn into mouth sounds when he talks, and I am the wolf all over again only this time in a human body.

"I know it does not make sense to you," he whispers. "I believe it was based on something, but not that the bird was real."

"But the wolves are in legends, and you are real."

"Yes," he agrees.

"Then why do you not believe in Thunderbird?"

"There is no proof of that Mila, no bones. Not even a tooth or claw. I believe the Spirit Warriors because I am here; I am one. But everything else I take with a grain of salt."

I do not understand why he takes things with a grain of salt. Does salt make it better? I ignore this statement, deciding to add, "But the world is magic."

"Yes," he agrees. "To you."

I find myself wondering once again how Embry cannot see this. Metal flies in the sky, and tiny people sit in boxes that act out scenes. Voices sing out of square things, and no famines or plagues run through the cities. All of these things are real.

But magic is not.

* * *

><p>I was looking back at my old chapters and I notices a lot of mistakes. I'm going to begin re-editing all of my old chapters because frankly I don't think it's very good work.<p> 


	13. Chapter XIII

13

* * *

><p>Embry's POV<p>

* * *

><p>I rub my head tiredly after the talk with my imprint. Sometimes it is hard to explain things to her. She has the reasoning of those from the past. I forget that a transition means the world sometimes, especially with such a drastic change that Mila has gone through.<p>

"How did their trip go?" Sam asks from the couch.

"Horrible," I groan. "Ara is a mess because nothing happened for her, and Mila only came back with more questions and I ruined everything. I kept making things worse. She doesn't understand, and I get so frustrated." I take a deep breath in, trying to calm myself. "I think," I say carefully. "That she thinks that I think she's not real."

Sam's face bubbles over in confusion, his brows slanting and lips slightly pursed. "That is a confusing statement."

"It is," I agree. "I told her it is not rational to believe in the Thunderbird. She said she is not rational and asked me if that meant she is not real. Sam, how the heck to I explain this to her? I don't know if she even has the ability to understand concepts like that." I'm so lost right now. I can't even take care of my imprint, let alone this pack.

"Where did she get that she is not rational?"

"Probably Paul," I growl out.

Sam shakes his head at me. "You can't be pissed at Paul forever."

"He hurt my imprint."

"No, he hurt you," he says. I blink, staring at Sam with wide eyes. "Mila didn't give two shits about that conversation. He hurt you."

It takes me a moment realize the truth of his statement. Mila never looked bothered about it, she only worried about going wolf around him. It was me that was angry. "He said things about my imprint," I say faintly.

"I know, but you're going to have to be better than that as an alpha."

Collin burst through the door at that moment, interrupting our conversation and ranting about something his imprint did. I swear, out of all of us I think Collin got the short stick in imprinting. Sure, Ara sometimes has panic attacks, and my imprint is part wolf. Sam also had all the drama with Leah, and sometimes still does; but Collin's imprint, all she does is hurt him. Over and over again, and it's not like Collin can get up and leave.

"What did she do now?" I grunt.

"Embry! I'm fucking _dying_! I-" He claws at his chest, a growl of frustration slowly making his way out of his throat. Finally he falls to his knees, keeping his face turned carefully to the floor. "I think she slept with someone," he finally whispered. "She slept with someone and I don't know what to do. I'm falling apart Embry," he groans, wiping at his face to get rid of the tears.

"Well shit." Paul is at the door, staring stunned at Collin.

"Shit is right," Collin murmurs, appearing faint.

If Mila did something like that I don't think I could handle it. Just having her at Sam's all that time when she went wolf the second time was hard. If she ever slept with someone….

I don't want to think about it. It hurts too much, a feeling that seems to resonate from my heart and spread sluggishly through my body. I don't know how Collin is so put together. What am I supposed to say to him? That everything will be alright? I don't know that. I don't know if she'll ever come around. Collin told her about the imprint in the hope that she finally would, but if anything she distanced herself even more.

I know what I have to do.

"Embry? Where are you going?"

"For a walk," I mumble. "Don't follow me." Collin isn't paying any attention. He's given up, and is sobbing on the ground. Sam is staring at me, giving me a knowing look as I go.

I have to protect my pack.

I take a deep, calming breath in before taking a short walk down the street. When I get there I knock brusquely on the door. Fumbling is heard from inside, and it opens to reveal just the person I was looking for.

"Melody," I greet her. She's appears suspicious of me, not opening the screen door and keeping the front door when she can easily close it.

"Can I help you?"

"No, not me. But someone else." Immediately there is a glare on her face as she comprehends who I am. She comes outside, crossing her arms against her chest to fend against the slight chill in the air.

"This is about Collin." There's no question in her voice. She sighs, digging a trembling hand into her pocket to pull out a cigarette. She lights it, sucking deeply on the poisonous fumes.

"That's no good for you," I comment.

"Well ice cream ain't either," she retorts, taking another drag. "You don't see me attacking ice cream lovers."

How the heck did Collin get stuck with this? The spirits must be experimenting on us now.

"You slept with someone last night." No one ever said I was an eloquent speaker.

She stops mid drag, her expression furious as her untamed hair flies about. "Listen here ass hole. That ain't none of your business. It ain't Collin's either."

"Hell if it isn't!" I burst, losing my temper. "That boy is your future and you're-"

"He ain't my future! Just because he imprinted on me doesn't mean I have to choose him!"

"Well if you don't you might as well kill him."

Her jaw drops wide open, staring at me in incomprehension. Finally she gathers herself. "Collin can choose someone else," she answers faintly, staring off into the woods.

"No he can't, and let me tell you something. Every time you do something bad, he feels it ten-fold. He's hurt, more than I can even explain. This is not just some crush for him. This is his life."

She quiets, staring off into the forest. "He's crying?" she says softly.

"Yes."

She flinches, huddling into herself. I'm almost tempted to comfort her, but then I think about Collin lying on the hard, wooden floor as I left and decide she deserves whatever she feels.

"I didn't want to hurt him," she whispers. "I just wanted him to go away."

"He can't go away."

She remembers the cigarette and takes a hurried drag, pulling it into her lungs. "He's a good kid. He deserves better than me."

I agree too, but saying that will get us nowhere. "Melody, I understand that you're scared. I really do, but the way you're dealing with it is hurting him. I can't allow that. He's my pack, my family. If he's in pain I want to fix it." I turn to her, grabbing onto her arms enough so that she is forced to look at me. "I want you to know everything that hurts him Melody Tasher. Every time you take a drag of that cigarette into your lungs, he's breathing it with you. Every time you sleep with someone, he knows it. Every time you date another guy, party all night, pop another pill, get drunk... he _feels_ it. You can try to hide it all you want, but he knows the truth. He wants to protect you, but he can't. Not if you don't let him."

"He's fourteen," she whispers.

"Yeah," I agree. "But he's not going to be fourteen forever."

She swallows thickly, her body visibly trembling. "I can't stop," she says brokenly, running a frazzled hand through her hair and musing it. "It's too hard. I'm addicted, and it feels like this is all I know." She wipes a tear away, pulling that death stick to her mouth like a pro-chain smoker. She probably is.

"He can help you. We can help you. But you have to let us." I take her hand in mine, feeling the tremble in it. "But right now, the only person that can help you is yourself."

"If I get help, what if I fall back? What if I have a relapse?"

"Every time you do it will hurt Collin." I want her to understand exactly what would happen. To know as she chooses that path exactly what Collin goes through.

She flinches at my words. "I don't wanna hurt him though. Can you, you know, take it away?"

I shake my head resolutely at her. "Imprinting is permanent."

She sighs, pulling her hands from mine and leaning on the porch rail to close her eyes and rest her face against the wind, her dark hair blowing around her.

"I don't want to hurt him," she decides. "I want to get help." I let out a breath of relief and feel myself finally begin to relax. "I'll go to rehab or whatever. That will help with drugs and alcohol, right?"

"Yeah."

She nods, closing her eyes and letting the wind blow against her as the cigarette slips from her loosening hand.

* * *

><p>Thanks to Love Laugh Live Your Life for reviewing! Only a few more chapters left and this story is completed!<p>

Btw I began looking at my next story I was working on all that time ago. "The Convincing of Melody Tasher." It's about the girl in the story mentioned in this chapter, and begins three years after this story ends. The writing is a bit slow going since I never wrote out a synopsis so I forgot most of it, but I'm working on it and will probably begin to post it once I'm finished with this story.


	14. Chapter XIV

14

"What did you dream of at A-Ka-Lat?" Ara pressed, staring at me unblinking. Ever since Ara had gotten a hold of herself she's been quizzing me nonstop about my dream. I don't know why, it was just a dream.

"My wolf," I say, repeating it for what seems like the fifteenth time.

"Yeah, but what did your wolf do?"

"Sit near the fire," I answer blandly.

"And do what?" she grunts out in agitation.

I sigh, staring out the window and hoping for Embry to come back. He's on patrol right now. Quil and Seth are watching me, so to say. Embry will leave me alone, but not with a non-wolf.

"I sat next to the fire, and the wolf did the same. When the sun came up my wolf started to leave but I asked her not to."

Ara's face thinks this over, working out the bits and pieces I've given her. Something like comprehension dawns in her eyes, and she sizes me up as if deciding whether or not to do something.

"Mila… how close are you to your wolf?"

"My wolf is far away," I answer immediately. I can barely feel her in my mind.

"No, I mean how close emotionally?"

Emotionally?

"What do you mean?" I do not put my emotions in the wolf, it does not work. We can feel each others feelings, and they can affect us, but that is it.

"Do you lean on your wolf?" I stare at her in confusion. I cannot lean on my wolf, she is in me. "Do you seek support from your wolf when you are scared? When you are tired, or something similar, do you allow her to take over? Are you afraid to be without your wolf?"

"No, I want to be rid of my wolf for my mate," I say certainly, but there's an odd look in Ara's eyes.

"Mila," she says hesitantly. "I could be wrong, but I think that dream was your wolf letting go. It is you that is holding on now."

I blink rapidly, my face slackening as I try to work this out. This is not possible. I want to be human for my mate. We cannot be happy together with my wolf, not the way we could be.

"How?"

"The wolf tried to leave you. I think the fire was Embry, and darkness and light the world. Your wolf was trying leaving you in Embry's care, to have him tend to you and face each day, but you would not let her. You asked her to stay." I fumble to say something, and she hurries out, "Are you afraid without your wolf?"

My breathing speeds up, and I turn my back to her relying on my wolf instincts to guide me. I have dismissed her.

She sighs, but gets up. Both of the guys were listening to the conversation. Seth asks Ara if she is ready to go, and she agrees. I breathe out in relief.

"Ara?" It is Quil speaking. He seems to be trying to be careful with his words. "It's okay to be afraid. Everyone is afraid of something."

I bite my tongue, the tears falling down my face as I stare at the wall.

Yes, but I do not wish to be afraid of this.

* * *

><p>Embry knows. I can tell by the way he watches me, his dark eyes thoughtful. I am glad he is not angry. I feel bare, and I've come to realize I do not like the feeling.<p>

"Embry," I say softly as we lay in bed one night. "I do not know if I will ever be able to part with the wolf." His arms tighten around me, breathing me in.

"That's fine."

His answer takes me by surprise. "But I will not be able to be human with you."

"It's okay. I'm just happy to have you at all," he murmurs into my neck.

I do not like that my mate has settled for this. "You could be happier with a human me."

"Maybe."

We lay in silence. I feel my heart speed up with the words I am about to say.

"Embry, if I am human would you protect me?" His eyes stare at me in the dark, glinting in the moonlight.

"Always," he promises. "I will always protect you."

"You won't let anything happen to me?" I ask in a wobbly voice.

I cannot see his expression clearly in the dark, and I am blind because of it. I have learned that more often his face tells me more that his words ever would. "I hate to say this Mila, but I have to be truthful with you. I cannot always be there. I cannot promise you every moment of the day you will be safe. Sometimes you will get scrapes and bruises, and you will not always be in my sight. But I can promise I will protect you with my life, and my pack mates will do the same."

"They hate me though."

He runs a hand though my hair in a caress. "They do not hate you. They are afraid of you."

"But they are bigger than me."

"Not of _you_ specifically, but of what you can do," he amends. "They are afraid for their imprints, and the ones that are not imprinted are afraid of setting you off."

I hear the unsaid words. They have to be careful around me. They are fearful that I will hurt them or Embry.

I think I am getting better at this human thing.

"Embry."

"Yes?"

"Ara was right. I am afraid of leaving my wolf."

He pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around me protectively. "I know."

* * *

><p>"Lizzy?"<p>

"Hm?" she asks softly.

This is the first time Lizzy has come over. I think it was my mate's way of amending the hard feeling between him and Paul. They are talking right now, deep in discussion about something that seems important.

"How are you not afraid?" I take the dish from her hands and dry it, placing it on the towel and reaching for the next one.

"Afraid of what?"

"Everything?"

She shrugs. "There's no need to be."

"But everything can hurt you." I've never had to be afraid. I knew my wolf would protect me.

"I don't know. I guess I just don't think about it? If you thought about everything that could hurt you that would be a scary way to live," she laughs softly, a small smile on her face. "You just have to live Mila, be happy with your mate. He loves you and you love him, that's all you really need."

* * *

><p>One more chapter left! Btw I've posted my first chapter for the story I was talking about last time. Thanks to all my reviewers and followers!<p> 


	15. Chapter XV

15

It has taken a long time to get to this place, the place where I am willing to let go. It's been almost three years since first meeting Embry. I take a shaky breath in, telling my mate I am going for a walk. He cocks an eyebrow but shrugs, clicking the TV channel to something different.

Now more than ever I wonder how my kind came to be, the _Vilkacis_. I have many theories. Perhaps we were a weak people the gods took pity on. That idea was inspired by Ara. Maybe we could only feel whole with the wolf in us, a thought by me.

But the thing I do know is today I will mourn my wolf, as I will for the rest of my life.

My steps feel heavy as I walk further into the forest, the crunchy mulch between my toes just as loud as my heartbeat. Taking a deep breath in I drop to the ground, wrapping my arms around my waist and thinking about the small creature growing inside me.

My baby.

I cannot be a wolf with my child. I do not even know if I were to change into the wolf if it would survive. I have to be human. For me. For my mate.

For my young.

Embry doesn't know. I would have never known without my wolf telling me. She began to get more protective the week before, and yesterday I got sick. When this morning I got sick once more it clicked. I remembered my mother going through the same thing, as did Lizzy.

"Wolf, you are here," I whisper. "You have taken care of me for many moons, and I am grateful." I take a shaky breath in, preparing for the words I am about to say. "But I don't need you anymore, not any longer." Tears fill my eyes and I blink, allowing them to fall. My chest heaves and I try to calm myself, remembering why I am here. "I cannot be wolf and human anymore, I can only be one. I chose the wolf for so long, and losing you will kill a part of me I will never get back. But I have to. I have to protect my baby, and your protection is not the kind I need. Not anymore."

I give up, laying on the ground and sobbing loudly. A part of me worries my mate will hear, but the other part is too hurt to care.

My breathing stops, and I feel something rip from me. It pulls as I try to tug it back. Finally I let go, allowing it to leave. It sends me a feeling of peace, and then is gone. I lay gasping on the floor, feeling the unbearable emptiness inside me.

"Mila?" Embry rushes through the trees, wrapping me up in his arms and checking for injuries. "What happened? Are you okay?"

My words are barely understandable through my cries. "She is gone."

He does not question who is gone. He instinctually knows, picking me up tightly and holding me against him. He whispers comforts into my ear, rocking me back and forth as he takes me back to our home.

"You will be okay Mila. Everything will be okay," he promises. I hold my arms around his neck tightly, my tears soaking his faded, blue shirt.

The feeling does not leave, and I know my mates words to be false. One of the false truths humans say to make the other feel better.

* * *

><p>I rub my protruding belly, smiling as I feel a kick against my palm. If her activity is anything to judge by she is strong. Embry does not let me do much at nine months, but I take care of my garden every day. He's been throwing a fit about it for the past two month. He is very protective. I told him the baby will come when it is meant to, and would not listen to a word after that.<p>

I still feel empty without my wolf. Sometimes it really gets to me, and I become depressed and unwilling to talk. I cannot help it. I have lost a part of me. It would have been easier to lose a limb, but for my family this is worth it.

Embry worries over if our baby will be _Vilkacis_, especially since she is a girl. I tell him it is likely, but I doubt she will be like me. She will have no reason to be a wolf like I was. I will teach her, and I will tell her how dangerous it is. She will be able to control her wolf, and she will be more human than I ever will be.

Embry also worries about his pack. He does not want anyone to imprint on her, but then he knows he should be happy if it does happen. The girl will want for nothing, and no boys would have to break her heart because her soul mate is already there. Emily and Sam's daughter did not get imprinted on when she was born, and Embry took that as a good sign.

Embry is alpha now, and many of the pack come to visit. They are no longer afraid of me, and I can tell my mate is happy for the fact. I wipe some of the sweat off my forehead, staring into the summer sun. Embry is watching me. He thinks I do not know, and I let him think that. I go to stand up, my knees tired with the extra weight of the babe. I take a step forward and something runs down my legs. I pause, staring with incomprehension at my legs.

"Embri?" He's there within a moment.

"Yes love?" He wrings his hands nervously, searching for any danger in the area.

"I think... that is it time… to have a baby."

He goes blank, looking me up and down rapidly. His eyes stop at the wet spot on my ankle length dress and his eyes widen.

"We have to go to the hospital," he says breathlessly. I wave him off walking towards the house, ,my basket of green beans lying forgotten on the ground.

"I told you I will not go to the hospital. It is-" My first contraction hits me and I lose my breath, forgetting about what I was even trying to say.

"We have to go to the hospital," he says a bit hysterical.

"No," I grunt, moving once it is over. "We will have it here, in the house. It is how my mother did it, how everyone did it before. We do not need a hospital."

"A hospital is safer," he denies. We have had this conversation too many times to argue over it now.

"I will have her in the bathroom." It will be easy to clean up then. It used to be that women would have their baby and then go right back to work. Now women get days to rest in bed. I will be fine. "The doctor recommended having the baby in the tub, I will do that." I run some warm water, pulling my clothes off as Embry panics in the doorway.

"You can't have this baby by yourself Mila!" A look of resolution grows on his face. "I will make you go to the hospital." I slap his hand away, giving him a glare.

"I am not by myself, you are here. And I will not go to the white place." I do not like it there. I went there once after Embry got me something called a birth certificate. All they did was stick metal in me with liquid in it and I did not like it.

I pull the rest of my clothing off, resting in the steamy water. Another contraction hits me and I scrunch my face up until it leaves. Embry is talking out loud to himself, pacing back in forth in the little room the bathroom offers.

"Call Emily if you have to." He is driving me crazy.

"Yes!" he answers, happy to do something. "I will call her."

When he has finished his conversation he tries to come back in, but I don't let him. I am calm, but it makes me nervous watching him. Emily walks in the bathroom about fifteen minutes later, putting the lid down on the toilet and sitting there. She smiles. "Today is the day."

I agree. I am happy to have my baby out of me. She has made me hurt many times these past few months.

She clears her throat. "So did the doctor give you any directions?"

I roll my shoulders, trying to slide further into the warm water. I wasn't really paying attention to the man. I did not like him. "Use the call wire if something seems wrong?"

She sighs, shaking her head at me. "I'm going to go call the hospital." I grab her hand before it's out of reach. It leaves a wet handprint on her wrist when I let go.

"No, everything will be fine," I assure her in a panic. The white place doesn't need to know.

"But what if it isn't? What if something goes wrong?"

I lean my head back, letting the water go up to my chin. "What if nothing goes wrong?"

"Are you really going to leave that to chance?"

"The world is magic. I am not worried."

She groans, face planting her forehead into her palm. "Mila…."

Everyone always does something similar when I say this, but they never say it isn't. I relax my shoulders, knowing I'm right. Another contraction rolls through me and I let out a soft moan. Immediately Embry is banging on the door.

"Mila? Are you okay? What happened? Are you hurt?"

"Embry! Of course she's hurt! She's getting ready to shove the equivalent of a ten pound rock out of her!" Emily shouts back, arching a brow at the door.

I still. Ten pounds? "You know this for sure?" I finally begin to feel nervous about bringing my daughter into this world.

"Maybe. The pack tends to have big babies. Both of mine were almost ten pounds. Lizzy's was 8.7, they almost had to give her a C-section because she's so tiny. Kim, the poor girl, hers was 10.1."

Babies get that big? I smile uncertainly at her. "What is a C-section?"

"It's where they cut you open to get the baby out."

_How barbaric. _

I latch tightly onto Emily's arm, making sure I have her attention. "Emily, if it comes to that let me die," I say gravely. I will not have someone cutting me up like one would a wild animal. I am not food. Her eyes widen at my words, more round than I've ever seen them before.

"But then you and the baby will die!"

"Then it is meant to be." My voice is resolute, willing to accept the consequence of this.

"But Embry…" she trails off.

I take a deep breath in. I cannot leave him alone. My mate would not make it. I bite my lip with indecision. "Mila, if it makes you that nervous they can always knock you out."

"They will beat me until I pass out?" I burst, sitting upright in the tub. Water droplets drip down my chest and the air is cold, but I ignore it. "That would kill me even more!"

She almost laughs, but manages not to. "No! It's not like that! They give you medicine and you fall asleep." I think on this, and my eyes brighten when I realize what she means. I think when my mate first found me they gave me medicine to put me asleep in order to fix my bone and put what I now know is a cast on.

In the end all the worrying was for naught. Nineteen hours later I welcomed my daughter into the world. I cried, because when I looked into her eyes I finally began to feel whole again. She opened her eyes the first time, the color of them almost as dark as her fathers, and everything seemed perfect. It was worth it. I would be there to help my daughter grow, to teach her right from wrong. I would be able to watch her first smile, steps, and see her laugh without worrying that my wolf would take over and I'd miss it all.

"Mila, it's only been two days since you had her. You should be inside," Embry murmurs.

"My mother used to say resting is for the dead."

He groans before muttering, "At least hand me the baby then."

"She is sleeping. Besides, she likes to listen to my heart when she sleeps."

"You're going to spoil the kid," Quil interrupts, munching on some beef jerky.

I do not care. She is my baby and she can get spoiled. Besides, it's not like I am the only one. Between Embry and Brady, my child's imprint, she will be spoiled irregardless.

Sensing something in the forest I look up in confusion. At first I see nothing, but then my eyes train on something eerily familiar to me.

Brown, grey, and black fur coupled with white cheeks and underbelly. Paws slightly too big, making it sometimes awkward and pup-like. Those paws were the reason why my arm broke in the first place. Her eyes are trained on my daughter, a protective look in her eyes. Joy fills me, because my wolf did not disappear, not for good.

"Are you okay?" Embry's worried voice pulls me from my wolf. But she's not really mine anymore. She's my daughters. My daughter will never have to have my problem of shifting, because my wolf learned from me how important it is for the human to have control. She will teach my daughter's wolf about balance, and how to conquer the protective instincts so that my daughter can live free.

My eyes blink, and I turn to Embry with a smile.

"Yes, everything is perfect."

* * *

><p>The Vilkacis is finally finished! Thanks to everyone that read, followed, and reviewed my story. I'd particularly like to thank Love Laugh Live Your Life for all the reviews and support shes given me. Not only has she reviewed all the chapters in this story, but all my other one's too! Thank you!<p>

If you want to start working on reading another story by me I've got a new one I started on my profile. Once more, thank you everyone!

xoxo wolfgirl92


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